My dreams are getting really absurd!

So I was having a plethora of dreams last night.  I don't remember most of them but I remember they were very vivid and lots of action.  I woke up multiple times and each time the fading remnants of my dreams were full of bright colors and my heart was racing (not in a sexual way). What the heck was I dreaming about?!?!

I obviously wasn't sleeping that well since I kept waking up but I was a dreaming machine.  The last dream I had before my alarm went off kind of stuck with me.  I was in NOLA and the world was a very different place.  Supernaturals existed...I mean they probably do exist (am I right *wink wink*) but they were like out in the open.  Maybe I saw an ad for True Blood before I fell asleep...hmmmmm.  Anyway, I had befriended some sups and they were actually pretty cool.  And they varied from shifter to fae to Were to vamp (I think). I mean I didn't trust them 100% but they were all right to me.  And no they weren't characters from any TV show, movie, or book.  These were brand new peeps.  I have no idea who any of them were!  My closest new companion was a shifter.  And her favorite thing to shift into was a cat.  I think that's how we met...I am not sure but I think she befriended me as a feline and then revealed herself.  Anyways, she and I were new BFFs and surprisingly my old friends totally accepted her pretty much right away.  This is UNHEARD of...they don't like newbies!!! 

So new shifter friend and a few others were insanely protective of me.  They were convinced my neighbor had a malicious agenda that involved me and my husband.  No one could prove this and he seemed fine to me but they were all like "he is bad news chica".  It gets a little vague at this point.  Like I know we spent time at his house hanging out but I have no idea how much time passed. 

Moving on!  So we are at the neighbors house and all my friends (old and new) are there.  My old friends are like me "what, he seems nice" but the new friends were guarded and he didn't seem to like them much either.  Things happened and I somehow ended up in the kitchen alone with him.  I was looking for the hubs and our friend's husband but I couldn't find them.  Neighbor dude was all up in my personal space.  The phrases "stranger danger" and "where is my rape whistle when I need it" come to mind.  I can't remember his face but I am certain he was attractive and charming and tall.  But that's all I got.  He had me cornered between the fridge and the counter.  I had no where to go and everyone else was outside.  I remember thinking "if I make some sort of distressed sound one of my friends with super hearing should come to my rescue".  Then he leaned down and growled out "they wont make it in time". I could feel his hot breath on my neck.  CRAP!!! Then he bit me! I distinctly remember sharp fangs piercing my skin.

I awoke with a jolt.  And realized something was in fact biting me...on my throat.  It was also petting my face.  WTF!?!? My vampy dream just got 1000 times weirder!  Wait...that's not a vampire...its a...its a kitten.  She was softly chewing on my on my neck and caressing the side of my face with her paw.  Not aggressive or playful at all.  I think she was sleeping.  I guess the change in my demeanor woke her so she decided to be playful and bite the crap out of me and pounce on my head.  *Groan* cat it is 5 AM...go away!

I am Evil

*muahahhahaha*

So you wanna stop a kitty from jumping on the counter or mantel or table or whatever.  I have a simple, cheap and effective solution.  Now I am sure other people have thought of this but I feel like I had an epiphany the other day so don't rain on my parade. 

The little one...my little witch's familiar...who may or may not be evil herself is now climbing and jumping on anything she can find.  She likes to climb on the table while we are eating.  I mean who wouldn't want to try and grab some of that yummy smelling food.  She also likes to climb up the back of the couch, the comforter on our bed (see previous post on that) and of course all over the other animals and us.  But her favorite place at the moment is the ledge by the fireplace.  I have older animals besides her.  Animals that long ago learned not to touch mommy's stuff lest you get put in time out or worse if you break something she likes...*sharp breathe intake* banished to the outer realm.  On my fireplace ledge I have these lovely breakable things from our wedding and these really cool tall fish globe candle holders. 

The other night she figured out how to jump up there.  I would remove her, say no and put her on the couch.  She'd do it again.  *rinse, repeat* I didn't want to squirt her because if she REALLY freaked out she would go barreling across the ledge and knock everything down in her wake.  But she started to think of it as a game.  I'd remove her, she'd look at us and jump back up, carefully weaving her way through the items.  "OMG cat I am going to kill you!!!"  This went on for a while until I decided I needed a deterrent.  What can I put to deter her?!?!?! 

I know...tape!  Yes that's right.  I cut multiple pieces of scotch tape and laid them face up all along the ledge.  She's a baby.  She doesn't know what tape is all about.  So after a few minutes of running the older kitty crazy she went for the fireplace again.  I didn't see it but I heard it.  She jumped up and then immediately back down.  She was running frantically around trying to outrun whatever was chasing her.  I finally caught her and removed the tape from her feet and tail.  I put her down and put down more tape.  About 20 minutes later she tried again.  She ran around shaking her feet and hissing (I guess trying to scare her pursuer) and rolling.  I again removed the tape.  She did not try again. 

Its been four days.  I left the tape...I will replace the tape every few days (dust makes it not sticky) just to make sure she's learned her lesson.  So there you have it.  Scotch tape, instant curious kitty deterrent. 

And do not get all THAT'S inhumane.  It is not inhumane.  It's scotch tape.  It is sticky enough to get stuck but not so sticky that it hurts when removed.  But since cats don't like things on their feet it discouraged her from trying again without me soaking her, my fireplace and her breaking everything while trying to teach a simple lesson. 

So I decided to start walking/jogging in my 'hood. . .

But since I live in the deep south and its hotter than Hades down here the only time to go is in the morning.  I mean its still hella hot but its survivable. 

Well I usually go one specific way but recently decided I was going to change it up.  Ya know not leave at the same time every morning, skip days, go different routes, etc.  Anyways, I clearly do NOT pay attention to all the details when I am driving through my subdivision.  I seriously almost had a heart attack this morning and then laughed until I fell over in my neighbors yard.

I was just la la la-ing along, one ear bud in jamming out when I stifled a scream and fell against a car behind me.  I was maneuvering around a vehicle blocking the sidewalk when I saw a figure in my peripheral.  My neighbor has a jungle-esque theme going on in their front yard, like organized chaos.  It's not overgrown...just a lot of plants, I guess an oasis maybe.  There are these huge fern/palm things that tower over the front walkway and partially block the view if the front door and porch.  There was a person behind the huge leaves. He/she was taller than me (which isn't saying much) and extremely pale in the early morning light and they were like peeking through the leaves *internal screaming*.  It took a few seconds for my brain to register it was a statue.  Clearly it is new because I drive past here everyday and I've never noticed it, plus it was still very bright white, not weather worn.  So I started laughing.

Then I realized what it was a statue of...a GIANT angel *ahhhhhhhhhh*.  Without thinking I said "Don't Blink".  Then I lost my shit!  I was laughing so hard at myself I fell in the grass and was on the verge of snorting.  Thank goodness no one was outside.  But I kept my eyes on it just in case.  Of course when I was passed it enough, I turned my back and kept going.  Thankfully it didn't blast me to the past.  I don't think I could handle that alone.  But as I was jogging off I was reciting "Don't blink. Blink and you're dead. They are fast. Faster than you can believe. Don't turn your back. Don't look away. And don't blink. Good Luck." And I couldn't stop smiling and laughing at how big of a nerd I am.  

So as you can see I almost died this morning.  Well not died but nearly thrown into another time all together!  I can't believe such a dangerous creature lives so close to me.  I'll have to remember to snap a picture of it so I can show you how creepy it is! 

**UPDATE** So I've been meaning to take a picture since I posted this but I keep forgetting.  Then Saturday I took my dogs for a walk with the intent of snapping a photo... it was GONE!!!!  The flipping statue of the flipping angel was GONE!  *internal screaming* I am a bit more terrified of my 'hood now...

I thought the hell hounds came to collect a debt I forgot about...

I got the scare of my life last night!  I may be exaggerating but I was quite frightened.  I had just started having a great dream when I heard a faint knock.  Thinking it was a dreaming dog kicking the dresser I relaxed.  Then I heard something moving under the bed.  Like the pushing of a box.  Okaaaaaaay I am awake.  It is pitch black in my room and everyone that makes me feel safe is snoring.  So I sit there and listen (I had ear plugs in but I was scared to take them out).  From the depths of the darkness I hear this  deep grumbling growl.  It sounded angry and evil and not like a noise I'd ever heard come from one of my fur babies. *whimper* I should say goodbye since clearly I am not going to live through this. 

So I took out the ear plugs and....silence...nothing...no growling, no shuffling just the light snoring of dogs and husband.  Was I dreaming?!?  So I tried to settle back down to sleep but I just couldn't relax.  Then I heard the knocking again and the growl.  What the hell?!?  Took out the earplugs and listened.  Again, silence.  Seriously I am losing it.  No more horror movies/books for me. 

I decided not to put the earplugs back in and just laid there in the dark listening.  Just as I started to dose off I heard the growl, it was getting closer and deeper like it was on the floor by my head.  Then I felt something tugging on the end of the comforter by my feet.  *shit shit shit* what is that?!?! At this point I thought I was about to die a horrible death like those crazy people in horror movies who don't run but just sit and wait...in the dark.  I was sitting up backing up against the head board when this shadow effing kamikazed me right in the face!  I mean like an alien face hugger was the only image that came to mind.  I screamed, everyone else woke up, there was another thump onto the bed, growling and then this inhuman screeching.  This happened in seconds.  My brain finally registered what was going on.  The thing that hit my face was furry. It had razor blade nails/teeth.  Ah-ha, there was a cat/kitten fight happening pretty much in my lap. 

Apparently the new kitten who happens to be black as night finally figured out she can go further than the living room and got into the bedroom.  Old lady kitty was pissed and was growling.  I've heard her make weirdo noises before but this was a new noise.  The knocking was the kitten coming over the puppy gate, the shuffling was...I dunno she was playing with something under the bed and the tugging was her climbing up the comforter.  I didn't think "oh its a kitten" because she was locked up in another part of the house!  Apparently she got out...yay!

I mean she did me a favor...I now know my heart functions properly. 

I thought you were supposed to mature with age...?

I know we all have our moments of immaturity but I find some people just act like spoiled brats well into adult hood. 

The sad thing is I am not even talking about persons my age (or younger)...I am talking about people who are well passed 50.  I just don't get it.  I get that with age comes a lack of caring what others think but acting like a scorned tween is just beyond annoying. 

I never expected someone older than me to resort to this kind of behavior.  I had to cancel on something last minute.  I was stuck and couldn't get out of a previous engagement that ran over.  Since I couldn't make a call I sent a text apologizing profusely and suggesting they go on without me.  This would entail driving themselves.  I never got a reply.  So when I was leaving my prior engagement I called.  No answer.  Hmmm, maybe they decided to buck up and drive, cool. 

A few phone calls and texts later I decided they were either dead or ignoring me.  I was leaning towards the latter.  So I sent a text requesting them to acknowledge they were indeed alive and *ding* got a response.  Ahhhhh, I see now.  So we ARE in fact ignoring me.  It has been 4 days and still no conversation...nada.  I guess we are still mad.  I don't get it.  Yes, of course I was upset I missed the event but I had no choice unless I left in the middle of something else and that is just rude.  The person hosting the event I missed was not angry.  She totally understood and we made plans to meet up at a later date.  Yet my temper tantrum throwing adult is still immensely upset with me.  Sorry but I am not sorry.  Okay, I am sorry I missed the other event but I am not sorry that you missed it.  You could have gone without me.  Don't be mad at me because you chose not to drive someplace you were not 100% familiar with.  I do it all the time, grow up.  Print a map...or something.  I was being nice agreeing to rush from the other event to meet you someplace to pick you up so you wouldn't have to stress about driving but it is not my responsibility to make sure you have a ride when you are perfectly capable of driving yourself.    I had plans already...plans you knew about...plans that I said before hand may prevent me from making it to the other event and you chose to ignore me.

Being angry with me the day of is one thing but ignoring my calls and texts for DAYS is a whole other level.  If you cannot be an adult and speak to me and tell me you are upset I am not going to call you anymore.  I will wait until you are ready to be mature, I am not begging for forgiveness.  I apologized, I tried to call and apologize ...now I want an apology for having to deal with this BS but I am not going pursue it.  I refuse to be a part of your drama.  I have better things to do than stress about whether or not you are mad at me because of something so trivial. 

Does anyone else have this issue with an adult(s)?!?  Or am I the only one blessed with this type of person. 

I need to control my facial expressions or maybe others should learn how to be human!

Okay so I've been told since I was a wee wittle one that I am very expressive. I would put on a face to let people know I was not having any of their $hit.  My mom has always said that getting me to smile as a child was sometimes a challenge which cracks me up because these days I am usually all smiles, even when I am not feeling 100%.  I guess I learned that one as I grew up.  You know put on a happy face so no one will ask what is wrong.  Probably not the healthiest way to deal with things but I like to keep stuff to myself so yea.  So I have the open look where you know what I am thinking or I have the closed look where I could be feeling anything but on the outside you'd never know. 

But apparently as I get older my open facial expressions are more telling and more frequent.  So when before I used to wear a "mask" so to say and people didn't really know what I was thinking...today my thoughts are written all over my face.  I can still do the mask if I think about it but its become less of a habit. 

This my friend is a problem!  I work with face to face with clients fairly frequently and when they say dumb things I have to remind myself to not react.  It is almost torture.  Because I want to give the ultimate "bitch please" face but instead I just smile and say, "its not a problem" or whatever. 

So I must remember that my raised eyebrow, deer in the headlights look (its my surprise face but my boss calls it that),  sideways stare, expressionless "are you kidding me" look, eyebrows pulled together while staring people down and fake "hahaha, you are an idiot" laugh should probably be left at home only to be used in my personal life.  Otherwise I risk the chance of getting fussed at for being intolerable, inconsiderate, unprofessional or something of that nature.  I am not trying to be a jerk but other people are rude; unfortunately I work in high level customer service...I wish I could be rude right back but I cannot because then I am the "bad guy". 

But you know what if you say something inappropriate to me be prepared for my bitch face + sarcasm.  Go ahead and report me! My figure/my face/my clothing/my marital status/my whatever have NOTHING to do with why I am meeting with you.  You have no right to make me feel uncomfortable because you can't control your hormones!  That is something no one has to tolerate no matter what their position is. 

Let me clarify, I am not talking about someone saying I look nice today or I like your shoes/skirt/hair...I am talking about the oogy, look you up and down and make a lewd comment people.  Or the people who "get in trouble" for not doing their job so they complain about what you wear because "it is distracting".  Swear to God this happened!  I don't dress "sexy" for work.  I dress professional/trendy.  I am sorry but if you see some shoulder or some collarbone or some kneecap and can't think straight enough to work that is YOUR problem, not mine!  Quit looking at me as a sex object you creep! Yes this still happens.  I know some people try to say that this doesn't happen in the workplace/business setting anymore because of "laws" but I can tell you it most certainly DOES still happen and reporting it isn't easy because it is your word against theirs and honestly unless they are being touchy or aggressive it is not worth it (isn't that awful?!?!?!). 

So I use my bitch face, my sarcasm, my invisible armor and I make a mental note not to be alone with people who make me uncomfortable or I suggest we meet in a more public area instead of their office.  I protect myself because we all know I am the only one who really cares what happens to me.  All I need is another weirdo showing up at my office because they think we are whatever and then yelling at me because I don't return the feelings (yes this also happened...it wasn't a client but my "niceness" bit me in the ass). 

I hate cats!

Okay, not really.  I love MY cat but the strays outside make me batty. 

I was exhausted yesterday.  We had a family emergency the night before and I barely slept so last night I crashed!  I was out cold before 10:30 which is super early for me.  As I was having lolly pop dreams and whatnot something happened.  I was jolted out of a dead sleep by convict barking incessantly.  So what do I do?  Well I flop my arm over the side of the bed and say "shhhhhhh, its ok...*blah blah blah*".  Well he wouldn't give up.  He kept barking, whining, growling.  OMG!?!?  Then I faintly hear hubs say "did you hear that?" Uhhhhh let me remove my handy dandy ear plugs.  Suddenly the world is full of noise...which included the sounds of something dying, huh...am I still sleeping?

No...no wait...is that a cat...?  My cat was sleeping on my butt.  Ummm outside...yes, that sounds right...must be outside.  Give me a break, I was still 1/2 asleep.  We waited it out thinking oh it will stop on its own.  WRONG!  One *meoooooooow* *hissssssss* *growl* *angry screaming cat noise* turned into at least two, maybe three.  Then it got louder, more aggressive.  "What the hell are they doing out there!?!??!" *bang, skitter, bang*  more crazy cat noises...Uhhhh did something just hit a window?!?!  That's it, where is the pellet gun? All the while crazy dog, is going crazy. 

Well I was in my knickers...so going out front didn't seem like a smart idea.  In our brain dead state we resorted to banging on the window.  *Frankenstein voice* "stooooooop.  shhhhhhh. gooooo awaaaaaaay." *bang bang bang*.  Didn't work.  I know, lets get a flash light *click, click* "ahhhhhhh its bright, its bright!!!" Damn you reflective solar screen.  Maybe if I go in the back yard and bang on the fence they'll go away. *la la la* "ahhhhh I stepped on a slug, I stepped on a slug" *hopping around on one foot, trying to get the gooey carcass from between my toes*.  Mind you at this point I still hadn't put my pajama bottoms on (or shoes, clearly) but my t-shirt was long-ish so whatever.  Apparently all of that finally spooked them and they ran off.  

I had no idea until this morning that someone actually got a video of the cat fight.

Cool beans, right?!?  I think I need more caffeine...NOLAGurl out.