Mid Life Crisis...REALLY?!?!

How old do you have to be to have one of these? And why do they happen?

So I thought this was something that only happened in movies because I've never known someone who actually had a Crisis...I've known those that have second thoughts but not total breakdown.  

Today I had the most horrible day...not because of what a guy did to me but because of what he did to one of my very close friends.  You see the couple I am referring to has been married for MANY years, they have two beautiful/smart kids and are pretty much a perfect fit. Until recently!!!

She broke down to me.  Over the past few months she has noticed her hub slowly pulling himself away from her.  They haven't been intimate, barely talk, he goes out a lot and comes home with alcohol on his breath.  She said she tried talking to him but he said he's fine.  Wel she got a HUGE cell phone bill.  When she checked it she realized one number that was on there ALOT.  And she knew it right away...its one of their good friends. 

She confronted him about it when he finally strolled in and immediately he said, want me to leave.  No " there's nothing going on"  or "its not what you think".  His first response was, want me to leave.  That right there admits guilt...RIGHT!?!  Well they talked a little but their kids were there.  One thing he managed to get out was " I'm just not happy and I haven't been for about a year now".  My heart dropped when she told me this.  I had a flash back of my failed relationship last year.  Although we were not married and have no kids, we had the same weird confrontation.  The "I'm just not happy."  

She cried herself sick last night.  I didn't know what to say, all I wanted to do was hug her and tell her it would be ok.  He swears he never had an affair but he talked to her for HOURS everyday and texted all day long.  If it wasn't physical, it was still an affair.  It was an emotional affair!!! 

My friend and him talked again after the kids left.  He tried to blame EVERYTHING on her. He said he needs love too.  That everything is so routine.  That when they were intimate he felt like she wasn't there.  Although I'm sure there are things she can do different, I am also sure he's not perfect either!!!  He hurt her!  He crushed his wife, the mother of his children, the woman he supposedly loves.  And all he could say was "don't you ever think about what could have happened?  What if we should have followed a different path?  Haven't you ever thought about being with other people?"  She said NO NEVER.  He still stuck to the nothing happened but it was only a matter of time before the affair went past emotional...  

He finally realized what a douche he's been when she told him what their daughter said.  About a week or so ago she said "Mommy what's wrong with daddy?  He's not him anymore.  Are you all getting a divorce?"  Then she told him how she knows about his going out and drinking when she's not around because her son told her!  I'm pretty sure that made him feel like ass.  I HOPE IT DID!

He called her while I was talking to her to check and see how she was.  Guilt is a nasty thing to come to terms with.  

It made me realize how DUMB some men are.  They get this bug up their ass as they age.  They start to think about what might have been instead of appreciating what they have.  He is willing to throw away a wonderful marriage and beautiful wife because he can't stop thinking about what he missed out on because he had kids and got married kinda young.  He says its so routine... well of COURSE it is, they have two kids and just enough money to make ends meet... how are they supposed to break the routine???  She's tried, I know she has because she tells me, but they are always watching their money soooooo its a vicious vicious cycle.

Whether he wants to admit it or not he cheated on her, in a way, with another woman.  He strayed from his wife and family because he was feeling insecure!  He didn't try to fix it he just pulled himself away.  Which scares the crap out of me.  I want the happily ever after .  I want to fall in love and start a family but I am scared to death because I don't want to go through that.  I went through something similar once and THANK GOD we were not married with kids because I was a nut case after and I still don't know what happened.  I still have no idea why I wasn't good enough for him.  I'm glad things happened because now I can find someone who will treat me right but holy s--t, I don't think I could do it again.

Ok I think I am done freaking out now.  I still want to KICK my friend's husband's ass right now.  I hope to God he realizes what he is giving up.

On Cloud Nine - Hahaha

"Like sands through the hour glass...these are the days of our lives"

Hahaha. Yes that is right I feel like I live in a Soap Opera these days. So update from previous post... Y'all should not let me blog when I am PMS-ing....I get all overly emotional, haha. I mean it was real to an extent and he (internet guy) is really sweet but I want a guy not an emotional needy mess :P.

So why the Soap Drama you may ask...? Well ya see wha ha happen wuz...haha. What happened was I got a text on Sunday (day after I went out for Internet Guys B-day "Bash") from Friend's cousin. He made a comment about how he guessed I never wanted to see him again bc we haven't seen each other since Thanksgiving. I was like Uh...how's that all my fault. Anyways he asked me to call him Monday...OkeeDokee. Well we talked and come to find out he thought I didn't want him to call me for whatever reason. He said he didn't want to annoy me by calling too much. I was like it wouldn't bother me, it's ok to call. Then I told him I was feeling the same way...like I didn't want to cross a line by calling too much. After quite a legnthy conversation he asked if I wanted to come see his new house tomorrow (yesterday by this post). Sure why not.

Well we really just hung out and watched movies...like no major makeout time BUT I really like being with him... or the idea of him.  He's a guy.  He shows he likes me but with no DRAMA.  Now I will NEVER be with him bc... well bc he disappears for days at a time but thats ok.  I get it.  He got burned...burned bad by an ex and the fact that I still live with mine WEIRDS him out.  But I need to find another one, like him but not so... cautious!  Like I said i get it but if you know me you know my living situation is completely platonic now.  

As for internet guy... I don't know what to do.  I am trying REALLY REALLY hard not to crush him but he doesn't take a freakin' hint!  I like him...I do but I can't get past his... well the things he tells me will change but don't.  I have my own trust issues and the whole living at home/dead end job/DRAMA thing is a real turn off.  

Plus, we don't look cute together...I know that sounds SUPER shallow BUT its true.  We just don't fit...visually.  Oe maybe thats just me, I dunno.  Ask my girl that came to dinner the other night what she thought ;) HA.

So seriously stop letting me blog when I am full of hormones, its just a BAD idea :D  haha.  

Feeling really really bad now...

Ever had your eyes opened suddenly?

So the holidays have been rough. Fun but rough. I realized today that I may have screwed up... You see Internet guy really really really wanted to meet my family and friends for xmas and I said flat out no. Mainly because many of my distant fam doesn't know about me and my ex and that would have been WEIRD for us both plus my friends...they are VERY protective of me and I wasn't sure how'd they react. And thats a HUGE step for me. My family and friends are everything to me. I don't just bring guys to meet them. Well it caused a HUGE fight. And I was so mad at how he talked to me and told me I didn't care. Plus I felt like he just didn't get it. SO I gave a little and said he could meet two of my girls xmas night if we did something. He took that as drive to the area and wait for me... then get mad when I don't call. Well Christmas night was the last straw for me. He fussed at me and told me I was inconsiderate and then hung up. Well I was PMSing and pissed so when he called back I didn't answer.

Flash forward to today (Dec 27). I read a survey on social networking site and realized I was overly bitchy. I really hurt him and was completely insensitive to that. I really wasn't trying to be but I was. And I pride myself on knowing what to say and reading people and this time I was totally off!

All he wanted was my attention, thats it. He wasn't trying to force himself into my family and friends (although thats what it seemed like to me) and just wanted me to give a little and I am so keen on being independent I shut him out and obviously sent mixed signals. Now I still stick to my list of needs from a man but today I realized he will meet more of them than I let on and I was just trying to justify not being with him. I talked to him today and feel awful. I don't want a relationship, I think he knows that but I like him... ALOT more than I thought. I don't want him out of my life, I thought I did but I don't. I think my problem is see things progressing and I am scared. I can see us together and I am freaking out. I pushed him to act this way by being selfish.... which honestly I am entitled to after the last 5 years but he doesn't deserve the brunt of my excess baggage, right? So we talked on the phone today for just a few minutes while he was at work and I apologized for dragging him into this and he apologized for over-reacting. Not a great conversation but an OK one.

I still think he has alot to do before I could ever consider him my boyfriend... like deciding what he wants to do with his life, growing up and moving out. Oh yea and that whole mistrust thing. But I have alot to do too. I have to not treat him like he will crush me and screw up like my ex, make progress with getting out of my house and realize I will never be happy in another relationship until I get over my fear of men.

I think I am done now, I need to stop crying before I go out with my girls later. *sigh* I really hate drama and this time I caused it...!!!!!!!

**EDIT - 12/29/08 - Ok so we talked ALOT right after I wrote this and last night. He annoyed the S**T out of my right after but last night we were cool. He says I have a lot to do to make it up to him. I pretty much said what you see is what you get, deal with it. And I think we are cool. I'm not going to be with him, nor do I want to although we mesh really well. I guess we'll see what happens and who comes along in the mean time ;). K going back to work now :D

I think I'm losing patience in my 'old' age... :P

Is it true that the sheer act of having a penis makes you less intelligent?!?

I think it is true, personally!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay I guess I have to explain.

Last Friday I went to this Christmas party thing with a girl friend of mine. Well the guy from 1st, 1st Date in 4.5 years entry (aka, bad kisser) was there. I've seen him around here and there and we are cool. We had the lets be friends talk, like 2 months ago and everything has been fine since then.

Yea well evidently his "lil brain" overtook his brain and he forgot about that on Friday. You couldn't peel him off me with the jaws of life. I mean everywhere I turned he was right there. There was zero concern for personal space! Well about half way through the night he decides he is going to pick me up off of the ground. There is an action shot of it...he gets real close and I am thinking ok picture time, then he picks me up, like 3 feet off the ground :P I was not happy. Wait it gets better, he does it at least two more times throughout the night. The last time he did it I believe my exact words were "put me down M____ F____ or I will make it so you walk funny for a week!" Or something along those lines :P Not to long after that last incident we left.

But that wasn't the only thing. He kept getting really close to my face and hanging on me. Finally after worming my way away from him for the upteenth time I started poking and punching him in the gut. It didn't work. He started trying to tickle me (which I can hold that in quite well most of the time so he stopped fairly quickly)! Then he started tickeling my friend....WTF!?! It was a nightmare. THEN I am sitting on a bar stool (about 5 or so minutes after he picked me up the last time) and I feel hands on my waist...but not just on me...UNDER MY SHIRT! I almost died. I looked at my girl friend and was like, there are hands under my shirt...she was almost speechless. Soooo we left. Wait it gets better.

I got 6 texts the next day, one asking what I was up to on Sunday (I never replied). THEN I get this via social networking site:

"Okay, I was thinking about Friday night and why NOLAGurl was hitting me the entire night. And this is what I came up with. Back in the caveman days, they use to show their interest in the other person by hitting them because that was the only way they could communicate. And as the night went on and the bottles of alcohol were being consumed, the hitting continued even more which is another sign of the truth. Drunks, not saying you were drunk but drunks tend to tell the truth when the have been drinking.
So, what do u say to that? LOL"

I was going to reply with "Aw thats cute wishful thinking" but instead (I was in a horrible mood last night) I replied with "Actually where I come from hitting/punching usually means someone is pissed off because you are in their personal space and they want you to move. Also I was un-aware that the new adult way to let a girl know you like her is to repeatedly pick her up, even after she politely asks you to stop."

He didn't get the hint. I got a Voicemail this morning saying "Hey its ____ just wanted to say good morning!" OMG really?!? Ok I am outta ammo, any suggestions?

I hate mechanics!

Do I have DUMB BLONDE tattooed on my forehead?!?

The answer is NO! OK so Friday (yes the day AFTER Thanksgiving) I went to get a new tire. You see the other day I noticed it was low and filled it up. By Friday morning it was low again, oh joy :P. So I took the tire off and saw it was REALLY REALLY worn. I put it back on and took off the other back tire (I figured if one is worn so is the other and I'll need two). Much to my surprise it looked almost brand new! So I call around in the small burb I live in to see who had my tire. My usual mechanic couldn't get it in until Tuesday (can't do that). NO PLACE had my freaking tire in stock!!!! Well except this one national tire chain place. Fine, whatever, I'll go there.

I tell the guy I need 1 tire and an alignment. The guy tells me it'll be an hour. Ok yay, whatever I have a book. TWO hours later I get my car back. I was so glad to leave bc the football game was about to start and I wanted to see it, plus I was STARVING!!! Well I am driving down the highway and I notice something funny...my steering wheel is CROOKED!!!!! Like not just slightly pulling to the left like it was before, it was off by about 20 degrees. WTF, it was NOT doing that when I brought it in!!! I was pissed! Well I was almost to this chicken place, so I got lunch and headed back to the idiots to get it fixed.

They see me walk in and are like "Uh oh". I tell them whats up in the calmest tone I could sum up. The guy says "Did Shawn or Duckie work on her car" I was like I dont give a flying F--K who did it, fix it. Well they decide it was Duckie. I almost DIED when he walked out. He had on 4 inch thick glasses and was cross eyed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok I am all about equal employment oppertunity but SERIOUSLY, he was doing an ALINGMENT, how can you align my wheels if you are cross eyed?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Well normally I am quite tight lipped but I couldn't bite my tongue. I was like, "No! No way, I want someone ELSE to fix it, sorry." I caused such a fuss they said "OKAY"

Another HOUR goes by (I missed most of the 1st half of the game :P) and Duckie comes and brings me my keys and apologizes. I was like, really, whatever. So I took off. It seemed to be fine, but I knew the true test would be the interstate.

Later that night I was booking it doing 60-65 MPH down the interstate, the car was jerking to the left (never did that before). It was only 7:30 and I knew they closed at 8:00. I called and went off. I was like "Um you might remember me...." And I went through ALL that happened earlier. They guy didn't know what to say but bring it back in the morning. I talked to my friends husband and he said this place is BAD NEWS. They Eff up cars all the time, I should never go there again (awesome, wish I woulda known that before).

FLASH FORWARD to Saturday at 7AM, they have no POWER! Can my luck get any better????????? Bring the car back finally :P, aw shucks duckie wasn't there. Well they fix it in like 20 min. YAY!!! After I know the car is ok. I caused a scene. I demanded a refund and promised to write an awful review. They said but I got a tire and an alignment. I said I will happily pay for the tire but there is NO WAY in hell I am paying for the alignment. They tried to argue, then I started talking about how I heard about their poor business practices when it comes to changing oil, fixing alignments, etc. Well since I was causing yet another scene in-front of other customers they gave me a refund to shut me up. HAHAHAHA :P And of course as I was leaving I said they lost a good customer and that I would make sure no one I knew came in there ever again, then I recommend the same to people staring at me as I left. Hey I can be a 'B' when I need to be!

So I am pretty sure they hate me, but I don't care. They effed up my lil car, you don't mess with me or my car.

Alcohol makes me have weird dreams!

Why do I drink, when I know I have work the next day?!?!?

I am all about analyzing dreams but I have no idea what to think about this one.

It begins with me out with my friend (a guy I’ve known since H.S.). I get a call. It’s my “boyfriend”. Ok we all know I do not have one of those right now but anyways. While I am on the phone with him I realize he sounds funny. He sounds drunk or something. He is saying stuff that is upsetting me but I cannot remember what he was saying. Well my friend thinks we should go check on him because I was so upset. So we go to this house party across the river.

When we get there this a-hole answers the door (it’s his house). I asked for my “boyfriend” and the guy gives me a funny look and points to the backyard. I go back there and there is this guy sitting in a chair HIGH AS A KITE, tripping his butt off. I can’t see his face. I am really trying but I don’t know who he is… In my dream I knew he was my man. So I run over to him and he is out of it. He starts calling me names and accusing me of being unfaithful. At this point I get mad, so I go over to a-hole that opened the door and say “what did you give him?” He called me a C- -T and shoves me. He says my guy is a big boy and can do whatever he wants. I agree with him, but I say that I am concerned about the way he is acting and would like to know what he took to make him act like this. A-hole shows me these white pills with purple hearts. I have no clue what it was. All of a sudden my guy starts vomiting and my friend goes over to help him. I say that’s it I am taking him home, he is obviously not doing well.

The a-hole grabs me by my neck and pins me against the wall. It was horrible I couldn’t breathe. My man’s ex girl is there (she was this cute lil Latina) and grabs a-hole and is screaming “let her go”. My friend is trying to help too. Finally he lets go, calls me a C- -T again and walks off. I am on the ground choking and only the ex girl and my friend seem to care. Well they help me get my guy into his car and I drove it to his house, while my friend followed.

In the car my man (who is still trippin balls), freaks out. He suddenly becomes aware he’s not at the party and in his car with someone else driving. He starts attacking me. So I am swerving all over the road and then all of a sudden he just stops and passes out. All I remember is this sharp pain by my ear and a ringing. Well we get to his house and my friend helps me get him out. He starts vomiting again… this time its red. He has another freak out and launches me into the street. I landed on my left arm (sharp shooting pain) and hit my head. When he passed back out we took him to the ER.

It gets a little fuzzy at this point… I don’t remember much but that the Doctor assisting him notices the hand marks around my neck and takes me to the side. I explain everything that happened. The doctor called the cops, my guy ends up handcuffed to the bed and I was getting examined…then I woke up…with a splitting headache and a dog sleeping on my neck.

So have at it…analyze this ;)

I feel like such a snob!

Is it possible to be a bitchy snob and not really realize it?

Well in my defense I have NEVER seen myself as a snobby person. I mean I can be at times but for the most part it just doesn't come naturally to me, I am generally nice to everyone. But I am finding as I get a little older I am less tolerant of people and their situations...especially if they can change it.

You see my internet guy and I "made up" after my last post. We are okay I guess but I am still a bit leery of him. He says okay with not being "with" me, but I don't know if I fully believe him. Anyways as I was showering last night (hush I do lots of thinking in the shower), I started thinking about my expectations and what I want in a significant other. Some things are superficial but I think they might be important. So here goes.

When I was younger all I cared about was my connection to the other person.
* Compatibility
* Sexual Attraction
* Interests
* Level of 'Fun'
* Level of Jealousy
* Etc etc etc
All that future and job stuff didn't really matter to me...

Now that I am more mature other things tag onto that list like... (don't laugh)
* Type of Job
* Level of enjoyment in said job
* Financial responsibility
* Future goals and wants
* Level of intelligence
* MUST LOVE DOGS

After all this thinking in the shower I've decided the men I usually choose do not meet enough of these standards. I don't need/want a Dr or Lawyer when I say Type of job, I mean does he work in a dead end industry, make next to nothing and do nothing but B%*&H about it constantly...even though he KNOWS he can do better. Hmmm, I wonder if I am talking about someone in particular.... I know, I know I am a b%*&h.

Anyways, I don't need or want a Mr. Big but I do want AND need someone who can take care of themselves. I need someone who is not scared to venture out on their own. I need someone... like me, DOH!

I guess I have finally come to the conclusion that...
"I ain't settling for just getting by, I've had enough so so for the rest of my life, Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high, Just enough ain't enough this time, I ain't settling for anything less than everything..."

Ok now that I am done breaking out in song, what do I do. I like Internet Guy but my shower time made me finally accept why I wont be with him. He doesn't meet enough of the criteria I had subconsciously created in my head. He meets 4 of the connection criteria but he fails a big one... he gets really jealous and he doesn't say anything, he bottles it up and then EXPLODES (not good).

But on the second list he meets only a couple. It's not that he has a bad job per se but he complains about it all the time and says he really needs to find a new one but then does nothing. For gods sake he has a college degree and is fairly smart he can do WAY better but he chooses not to. Just like he chose not to go to the better college because he wanted to take care of his family (honorable but questionable) or chooses to still live with the fam even though he could easily move out. To me it's like he's scared to move on. And that scares me. He's never been on his own, he's never had a roommate, he's never had to live pay check to paycheck to make rent or buy groceries. He's never been...an adult. I mean he wholly depends on his 'girl' to have her own place because he still lives at home (he wants to act like an adult but doesn't have the means to do it :P).

My other dilemma. Best Friend's Cousin meets WAY more of my silly criteria. But we don't have the same emotional connection... well we might but we haven't had enough dates to figure that out yet :P haha.

Anyways I am still not ready to "pick" a guy but I am ready to do better. I deserve to do better. I deserve a man that will respect me, wants to take care of me and himself, wants to be with me and makes ME happy...right?