Accidental Crotchless Panties

Can I get a do over?!?!?

It was raining cats and dogs when I woke up.  I had somewhere to be for work but the hubs was still sleeping.  This meant I got dressed in very limited lighting.  After a harrowing drive to the office I needed some serious caffeine and a potty. Potty first...

In my non caffeinated stupor I almost missed the tiny tear in my undies.  "Hmmm that's odd". It was about a half inch across near the crotch area.  "These are brand new, wtf?!?!?!"  It looked like someone took a scissor to them!  I have so many questions....

A little while later I went back to potty "OMG its bigger!!!" 

Drank a little too much caffeine.... "JFC its almost halfway across now!!!!"

Went to lunch, came back... "Sweet Baby Jesus this B**ch is hanging by a thread!" 

Had a mini meeting...I am talking in front of people ...when suddenly I feel a tickle...in my nether regions.

This can't be happening.... "no...no no no no no.....oh my god..."

There was a definite change in temperature.  I could hardly focus on anything but the fact that my f**king thong snapped and was now nothing more than a really sad loin cloth that barely covered...ANYTHING.  Must continue...

Why do people think going commando is sexy?!?!?  I don't find it sexy...its weird...and a little drafty!!!!

Can I get a redo?

I swear I wasn't watching ... that!

So a recent lovely Sunday I was being a lazy $hit doing nothing.  I was hanging out doing one of my fav things to do in October.....WATCH HORROR MOVIES!!!!

Since my house is decorated as a mini house of horrors its only fitting, right?!  Well during my "me" time someone rang my doorbell.  "Hmmmm, who could that be...?"  I decided to ignore it, I'm busy.  They rang it again... "Ugh fine!"  

I opened the door to the most adorable little boy.  He was in his cub scouts uniform, he had glasses, and he was so freaking nervous.  As soon as I walked out he started reading from a sheet of paper, "hello, my name is _____.  I am with troop ____.  I am selling popcorn.  Would you help my troop, please?" *looks up with the most adorable grin ever*  

Me *thinking* fuuuuuck how can I say no to that?!?!?! *said* of course sugar!

I go inside to get my money and come back.  I left the door partially open because I had the psycho barkers penned up (I had an extra for the day so there were 3).  They were losing their $HIT barking the whole time.  As I am filling out the form, the pups got silent.  And all you could hear what I was watching....

*moaning*
*screams*

Me: I'm watching a scary movie.

*skin slapping*, *more moaning*

*blood curdling scream*

*knocking* "No stop, let me out, let me out!!!!" 

Me: *ah hem* Here's my money *nervous grin*

Kid: Thanks miss!!! I'll deliver it when we get it.
Dad: *suspicious stare* Um thanks...have a...good day...?

Me: Bye!!! *sounds of a murder* Have a great day! *waving*

I feel like dad thinks I was watching a porno...I was not but sometimes there is a fine line between porn and horror.

I fail at flirting

So, I played third wheel the other night with my bestie and her beau.  I wasn't driving so I partook in some libations.  Maybe more than some.  Okay maybe more than my little body should.  Alright, I got little pieyied (sp?). 

I had three 20 oz Oktoberfest beers...THREE!  That is 60 ounces of beer... I am not that big.  Anyways, when getting my last beer the following occurred between me and the guy serving me.

Guy: You should come back
Me: I am next weekend
Guy: No sooner
Me: 

Guy: *laughing* Like, before we close 

Me: 

Guy: How about 20 min, here?

Me:

No, Married

Guy: 

What's your name?

Me: 

Married

Guy: Well this is on the house, "Married". Be here in 20 min and we'll pretend you're not.

Me: 

Guy: *yelling* 20 minutes baby girl!

OMG Really?!?!!?

And no I did NOT return. 

It seriously took me way too long to realize he was hitting on me!  I mean I'm, uh, flattered but take the 'No' for an answer dude.  My rings were plain as day...just...thanks but stop.