Would a babelfish translate poor English?

This sounds snobbish.  I am not a grammar nazi....well slightly but not like some people I know.  I make an effort to use words and punctuation properly but I am aware that I make mistakes.  Plus I use strange words all the time.  Words that, unless you are from here, you may not understand.  I think the first time I said "I have the freesons"  in front of my college boyfriend (who is not from here) he looked at me like I was nuts.  His response was something along the lines of  "you have free masons...what?"  Anyway, I am more or less wondering if the fabled leech like creature from Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy would translate some of the gibberish I hear in my day to day dealings. 

I'm southern...I've been exposed to improper English and Cajun French/French my entire life.  But sometimes I seriously have no idea what people are saying and I swear it is English (or some variation of it).   I'm usually really good at deciphering enough of the words to carry a conversation but as of late it has become increasingly difficult.  I swear last week I had the Cajun guy from "The Waterboy" on the phone!  I know it is poking fun at us but there really are people down here that speak similarly.  Sometimes I revert to "um can you send me that in an email?" just because I can't say "can you repeat that?" anymore as it is becoming borderline rude.  At least in email I can attempt to figure out the communication. 

So that is my question would the storied Babelfish translate the ramblings of my fellow southerners?  I'd like to think it would because we do speak our own language down here.  Why doesn't this thing actually exist!?!  I feel bad when I cannot recognize what is trying to be communicated but it is to the point where I am like are you even trying...?  Seriously...are you having me on? Because it is not funny. 

Do your thighs rub together?

This is a legit question because mine do.  I am petite/slender/slightly toned build and when I wear dresses/skirts it is annoying.  I honestly think most peoples thighs rub together regardless of how "small" you are. 

The only solution I could figure out for years was wear those bike shorts looking things (or Spanx) under dresses/skirts to put a piece of material in between and keep the friction down.  But I don't really like the feeling of having an extra garment under what I am wearing.  Its freaking HOT where I live and I don't fancy having a sweaty, um, bottom area just because I don't like my skin to rub together.  Also no matter how hard you try you will always see that line across your tummy area showing you have shorts on.  Oh yea AND if you wear short(er) items you can see the shorts so you have to be careful how you bend and move.  It can be very annoying, that and my husband hates when I wear shorts.  He likes to be well a guy and run his hand up my leg and I guess its a bit of a turn off when he hits shorts instead of my bare bum.  I've explained it to him and he seems to get it but I can see where he is coming from also.   How can I deny him since he actually likes my badonkadonk, ha!

I tried using a bit of baby powder but 1) it gets on everything no matter how careful you are and 2) it wears off fairly quickly, especially in this heat.  I always put lotion on but it doesn't stop the irritating rub, at least not for long.  Argh, so annoying! Well a few months back I was cleaning out my lotion drawer, yes I have a drawer dedicated to lotions, powders, and such.  When I came across a stick of Friction Block.  I totally forgot I had this.  I bought it when I started running and exercising more to reduce the blisters on my ankles. It worked much better than band-aids which had a tendency to peel off rather easily.  As I was looking at it I had the most amazing revelation.  "If it reduced the friction between my shoes and ankles then surely it would reduce friction in other places, right?!?!?"  So the next time I wore a dress I put some on my inner thighs.  It totally worked! It felt weird at first but it lasts ALL day even is you get, uh, sweaty.  I mean that is what it is made for, to use during exercise so it is perfect for between the thigh rub.  

It is so easy to use.  It is like a mini deodorant stick so it is easy to apply, easy to pack, it is just easy.  It has no scent and you use very little so it lasts a while.  I may not be the first person to realize this as a use for this product BUT it is new to me so I am sharing!

It is like $5-$6 or so (maybe less if you shop around). I found mine completely by accident at the Dollar Store.  Seriously one of the best $1s I've spent.  I would spend $10 on it.  It is so worth it, especially if you are like me and don't like wearing extra layers under dresses in this summer heat!  It probably works well for nip rub too.  I don't have that issue but I know many guys do (runners/bikers).  Or if you would like to reduce blisters on your tootsies.  I mean it works well for that also, haha.

Ya know what ELSE grinds my gears?!?!?

My other grinder is still people but not about detail just about oh I dunno having a filter!  Are manners no longer taught?!?!?  My momma always taught me if I would be insulted by whatever I am thinking then I should keep it to myself because the person I am thinking it about will probably be upset by it as well.  As in "if you can't say something nice, say NOTHING!".  It is wonderful advice, people really should live by this.  I am mean don't be unnecessarily rude to people, they probably already know ______ about themselves.  You pointing it out is not helping.  So what happened you may wonder.  Well you see as I've stated before I don't wear make-up daily and when I do it is not much.  I had many appointments the other day so I was dressed up (with make-up) and an associate of mine said something about me looking very pretty (aw, gee thanks).  Since that day I've worn almost no makeup.  Every single day since that day he has said "what the matter, you tired?" With a concerned look.  Huh??? I can be chipper and bright and smiling and happy and he says "you no look happy, maybe go home, get sleep." WTF dude?!?  The is not nice.  I might not look like a Disney Princess everyday but I don't look like death either, thank you very much!  I've been informed by others that they wish they could not wear makeup like I do.  I have a natural coloring so I don't look pale or sickly.  I usually wear a tinted SPF lotion on my face and lip gloss or Chapstick but that is it.  I made a comment about this in front of a few men and a few women.  The women were like WTF, rude and the men were like well you do look better with make-up.  EXCUSE ME?!?  Yes of course I do!  Everyone (including MEN) looks better with make-up!  But ya know what assholes, the day you have to spend over an hour covering every blemish/mole/wrinkle/whatever and ironing your hair so you can look "pretty" for a bunch of uncultured swine is the day I might consider wearing make-up more often.  I dress nicely, I don't look like a homeless person, what is the problem?  Of course they are like, if you are so comfortable then why wear make-up for clients.  You know why!!!  Because that was the effing agreement I made 10 years ago when the older ass that used to work here made a HUGE deal about me not wearing makeup EVER.  He said it was unprofessional, that is right UNPROFESSIONAL, to go on appointments with out makeup.  Um I fixed my hair, I wore nice clothes...NOT ONE person complained but him.  So my compromise (because I am an adult and know what that is) was OK fine, I'll wear it on appointments but other than that bite me.  And so that is where we are today. Oh yea and wearing makeup is not in the handbook.  All it says is DRESS professionally, which I do. 

I just, that is rude...right?!?  Women do NOT have to wear makeup.  Many choose to do it and that is fine but it is not a requirement.  It's not like I am going topless or dressed in rags!!!  God forbid I show some leg/collarbone AND don't wear make-up....oh the unprofessionalism!  Gosh I am such a harlot...just sew the scarlet letter on me now.  I feel like the expectation that I MUST wear something that I do not feel comfortable in just to be viewed as "pretty" is so antiquated.  I know I am attractive without makeup..if I wasn't people wouldn't hit on me at the grocery when I am in 'rags', no make-up and my hair isn't brushed properly. I look just fine without it, I look just fine with it...it should be my choice whether or not I wear it.  I should not have to concern myself with the ideas that you may not find me as PROFESSIONAL because I choose to keep the make-up to a minimum. 

My point is me "dressing up" isn't so that people will say "oh you look pretty today".  Just like me NOT dressing up doesn't mean you can tell me I look like crap.  If you want to tell me I look nice fine, whatever but please by all means keep the "you look like shit" comments to yourself.  I don't need either.  Just treat me like you always should, kindly!

Side Note - If they update the handbook to say "must wear make-up" I may lose my shit

Ya know what grinds my gears?!?!

People!  People in general make me want to drive pencils through my eyes and ears so I don't have to see or hear them ANYMORE!

Simple directions are lost on so many.  Its like their lives are so mundane they feel like the simplest tasks need to be made more difficult because truly something that simple can't be right.  WRONG!!! You are so freaking WRONG.  It is that simple, I made it simple, because you have shown me YOU are in fact simple.  Now it is complicated and even my clearly superior brain can't figure out what the eff you did so don't call here and ask me what you did because I have no idea!  I don't know why I even try sometimes.  I've been told I have the patience of a Saint but after dealing with non thinkers over the years my patience is wearing thin.  I don't fancy myself a genius but I clearly have a better eye for detail and logic than those I deal with regularly.  The mantra is work SMARTER not HARDER but the smarter I work the harder others try to make my life difficult.  Seriously my head is going to explode.  Ya know why?  Because I have to deal with the fallout.  I may not have caused the most royal mess up to date but I am going to have to deal with it and that is why at the moment I have tunnel vision and feel like I am going to be sick.  

Do you ever redisccover bands???

I love it!  Its like new music but you know all the words :)

Apparently I like Coldplay.  I mean I knew I liked them and enjoyed their newer songs, like the SUPER popular ones *ahem* Viva la Vida *ahem*, but I heard a song the other day and was like wait I like that song a lot but couldn't place it for whatever reason (can I blame this on extreme heat and lack of water?!?!?!).  So I of course shazam-ed it and it was a Coldplay song and I was like "Oh, right, I knew that, wait I have that CD".  I promptly added a new station to my Pandora to make sure I get a dose of Coldplay when I have it on shuffle.  By the way the song was "The Scientist", it melts me every time I hear it.

But now that I've heard more of the songs I somehow forgot about on Pandora (how did I forget how good these were?!?!), I want to re-purchase some of the albums or at least a few of the songs.  I lost most of my old CDs thanks to mother nature before I copied them onto my Mac. The thing is I know I should have just done it but at the time I was like "ugh these are so old, I'll do it later".  And now I don't have them and the ones I did salvage...well not all of them are playable.  I clearly listened to them A LOT and the are beat to heck plus water damage didn't help *sigh*.  So now...now I want my old music back and it is gone.  I say old...well its CDs...shoo I've been buying my music on iTunes since 2004 I guess, maybe before that, who knows.  I think the last actual CD I bought, I was in grad school o_O or just after.  So yes the ones I have are quite, um, oldish.  The last one of theirs (physical CD) I bought was X&Y.  And then I got poor-ish (stupid ex problems) and I stopped buying music all together for a few years and I somehow forgot about Coldplay.  Seriously from 2007-2011 I didn't purchase one song...do you know how weird that is for me?!?!? I am a music junkie, I love getting lost in songs.  So now I guess I am catching up on all that I've missed. 

Point is I've rediscovered how much I enjoy their songs and now I am wondering what other bands I have forgotten.  I totally forgot about Linkin Park and MCR but luckily I bought some of their stuff on iTunes not the most recent stuff but I have rekindled my love of their music as well. 

Geez, Third Eye Blind just shuffled on while I was writing this.  How did I forget about these bands?!?!?!

Internet Searches Make Me Giggle

Not thinking anything of it I typed in "Uses for Fresh Sage".  I have a plant and honestly I don't know what to do with it.  One of the top results was "Go native and use it to purge evil spirits from your home, also known as Smudge Sticks".   I should know this.  I live in the deep south...I watch paranormal television.  But I don't need to "cleanse" my house, what the heck do I do with all this sage?!?!  Maybe I should make smudge sticks and sell them...hmmmm.  Think my husband would be concerned if he came home and saw a bunch of over-sized blunt looking things hanging out in the laundry room? Oooo, oooo, ooo I can call it "Not a Blunt".  I am a marketing genius!

Then I was searching for "I hate it when..." I truely lost my train of thought when the "suggested searches" popped up.

"...I am studying and a velociraptor".  What in the?  My search was going to be work related but I burst into a fit of giggles and had to get up from my desk. 

I am going to contemplate my new "not a blunt" business venture since I am 99.9% certain we will lose power shortly...this weather looks insane!  I hope a velociraptor doesn't show up, contemplating is like studying and with the power out that could be bad.  I've seen Jurassic Park those things are really good hunters! 

Have you ever wondered...

...what plants feel when you trim them?

Seriously, can you imagine that while you are hedging the plants are screaming, "why, why? Oh my god, not my baby!" as you hack away a new plant "sucker" blossoming from the soil or while you are removing the yummy fruit they've produced. Do you think the other plants you haven't reached yet are praying to their plant deity that this squishy life form fulfills it's tortuous rage before it reaches them? Maybe they are saying, "I'll tell you whatever you want....the answer to life, the universe and everything... just stop cutting!" Or that they are sobbing silently as they watch you pick up the pieces from the ground?  Whimpering, "the answer is 42....it's 42...." Maybe that's why they tremble when you go outside, it's not the wind they are terrified. 

Then again it's possible to them it's like a hair cut.  Ya know just a little trim to encourage new growth and tame the wildness that occurs from the torrents of rain we receive.  So really instead of screaming they are saying "ahhhh, so much better."

Well, really plants aren't sentient and aren't actually thinking anything but I was gardening and this just randomly popped into my head.  I am blaming it on the immense heat and me not drinking enough water.