If Cleanliness is next to Godliness. . .

. . .I work with a bunch of demon spawn!!!

I'm not sure I've mentioned before but I've come to the conclusion that some people were raised in a barn. I honestly work with a bunch of slobs (not all of my coworkers, just a few). I do not claim to be the almighty clean person but I have good personal hygiene and I tend to clean up after myself.  I can't say the same for some others I know.

I know some people don't believe in taking that extra step to make a good appearance (lord knows I never wear makeup) but at least try to NOT look homeless.  We work in a professional environment, we may not have customers in here everyday but I have to look at you and if you look like you might smell bad I do not want to be near you...just saying.  So for future reference a stained/faded shirt, white washed jeans and tennis shoes are NOT business casual nor are they part of/an acceptable substitute for the uniform I personally ordered for you!!!

Moving on. . .how hard is it to replace the TP in the bathroom stall.  You are also a female you know how big of a deal this is.  We are a small office, 9 times out of 10 we are the only ones in the bathroom at a time...meaning I cannot ask "could you spare a square" to the person in the next stall because no one is there!  And I don't mean if you use the last of it...I mean if it is getting low just be a decent human being and grab another roll or I will curse you...if I ever figure out who you are; "may the fleas of 1000 camels infest your pubic hair" and if you don't have any of that I hope it feels like acid next time you pee :P.

Next topic. . .let me set the scene.  It is early in the morning.  You are making your first cup of wake up juice, also known as coffee.  You spill sugar/spelnda/creamer on the counter what do you do next?  a) wipe it up because that's what grownups do, b )leave it; who cares this isn't my house, c) swipe it onto the floor, the tile is white who will notice d) some combination of b & c with a dash of spilled coffee.  I always love it when I walk into the kitchen to get my wake-up juice only to have my shoe stick to the floor and/or crunch with every step.  Oh and aside from cleaning up after myself I just LOVE coming to work and cleaning up after you.  Thanks asshole! Not to mention the reconnaissance effort I have to go through to retrieve my shoe when the floor decides it wants to keep it. 

• Sub-topic:  please by ALL means use the last of the coffee in the pot and do NOT make another pot.  It makes me so happy to push the coffee button and have a splatter of coffee moisten my hand/shirt/cup.  I didn't realize my pristine white shirt needed brown speckles all over it to make the outfit.  I don't know what your mother taught you but in the office there isn't a magic coffee fairy that refills the pot when its empty.  There are more than a handful of us here please at least TRY to pretend you are not helpless otherwise I fear one day when its raining you will drown because you forgot to look down
• Sub-sub-topic:  if you do manage to figure out how to use the coffee maker just leave the used grinds in the filter basket to drip all over the coffee maker, table and floor.  The floor gets cranky when it doesn't get its morning drip of Joe and steals unsuspecting shoes by luring them in with sugar and creamer

Next! Please cover your food when you are heating it in the microwave!!!  There is even a sign next to the machine reminding you to do so.  Even if its just putting a paper towel over it...no one enjoys the smell of your food burning repeatedly as we heat our food.  Actually I hate to heat anything in there as I am fairly certain there is some form of life that has evolved to survive in the hostile environment because of the amount of "good eatin" that is plastered all over the walls and roof of the microwave.  10 times reheated Mexican leftovers smells like ass mixed with vomit when combined with the smell of my once savory tomato soup!


I can't believe I actually have to say this but...wash your effing hands!!!  Or at least sanitize or something.  I feel like I work with a bunch of toddlers.  There are greasy fingerprints and smudges on everything!  Today when I went to heat my food there was a questionable smudge on the 3 button.  I am assuming it was some sort of food product but I swear to you know who that it looked like a booger.  WTF man...if you must pick please wipe it on yourself!  Or use a tissue...in the bathroom and wash you effing hands!  I do not have children yet but when I do those are the only boogers I expect to see or be cleaning *shudder*.  You-are-welcome...I cleaned your nastiness off the keypad...if I figure out who you are I am so loud capping you in the next meeting!

Did I forget anything?  Inner office manners matter...or am I being a royal  B for expecting grown ass men AND women to pick up after themselves?!?!?!?

I think I've developed an addiction to Disinfecting Wipes...they've helped me keep my sanity.  They are my precious *insane cackling*.

Schwarzkopf Professional OSiS+ - Dust It

I received the Schwarzkopf Professional OSiS+ Dust it in my Spring Fever Vox Box to try for free from Influenster.

I have mixed feelings about this.  On the one hand it definitely gives me some much needed texture and volume but on the other hand my hair still falls a little flat fairly quickly.  I have theorized that this is because my hair is long and the weight of my hair causes it to fall.  I haven't had much of a chance to test this theory because everyone I know has long hair.  I finally was able to test this tonight.  I am on a business trip up north.  There is still some humidity but not NEARLY as humid as my home town in the summer.  I have a co-worker with me with short hair.  We both used this product.  Her hair stayed voluminous and styled...mine fell flat.  It looked good when we left but by the end of dinner (2-3 hours) it just looked like my normal limp long hair again. 

Also, it makes my hair feel weird  Almost sticky and it gets VERY tangled.  So if its windy where you are be mindful because you will end up with a rats nest for hair.  I will say that it helps with texture and volume but only for a short while if you have long hair.  Even my fine hair is too much weight to keep the shape.  I do like that if you need to tease up your hair this product helps A LOT. 

This might be TMI. . .if you are of the male gender I suggest not reading further

Ok so I am clearly female...at least I think its clear.  Anyways I suffer from all the normal monthly female issues.  Now granted mine are not NEARLY as severe as other women but I have some symptoms none the less.  Anyways for years I've been trying to figure out how to aptly describe the different feelings to guys who ask without totally ooging them out.  Now that I am married my husband has noticed different things about me and I can't ever quite explain them properly. 

As in he's asked "how do you know its "starting"?  Like is it all pain, grumpiness, or is it just like oh crap now I need new undies?"  Thanks dear for the simplification.  So I've told him repeatedly its like right before anything , um well happens, if you are paying attention and are not otherwise distracted you feel like a nudge or a jolt or a feeling like in the pit of your stomach.  This just seems to confuse him further because he is thinking like an electric shock or a lightening bolt and that's not what I mean. 

Its not always pain (at least not for me...not right away anyway). Well this morning I finally had a comparison.  I was awakened out of dead sleep by my body.  I kind of jerked but only ever so slightly.  The 1st image that popped in my head was when the clocks start in the movie "In Time".  When the two main characters are talking about when their "clocks" started what they were doing.  The guy says he was walking down the street and it almost knocked him over (that has TOTALLY happened to me before...and then I casually rush to the nearest restroom to prevent any embarrassing moments).  The girl says she was sleeping and it woke her up (hmmmm yep). 

To make this comparison even more weird...now that I've associated the movie and my...um life...I can picture a clock on my arm.  But my clock isn't counting down the years I have left to live...it's counting how many years I have left to potentially have kids.  Yep...that's where my brain went.  I don't ever think like that.  I want to have little ones but I'm not rushing or stressing.  Yes, we will have them but somehow my 1/2 asleep sub-conscious decided I should start thinking about it now and unfortunately I cannot get this image out of my head.  The whole biological clock thing just took on a whole new meaning o_O. 

Secret Outlast Clear Gel

I received Secret Outlast Clear Gel in my Spring Vox Box from Influenster to try for free and give my honest opinion. 

I have used the outlast gel on a few different occasions.  I will say it definitely is great for no white marks.  It is one of the few deodorants that did not leave streaks all over my clothing as I was putting it on or throughout the day/night.  The scent was refreshing.  You could catch a whiff if you moved the right way.  I never had problems with odor whenever I wore it.  My only issue with it is it went on "wet".  As in I felt like I had to hold my arms out and wait for it to dry.  Even after it " dried" my underarms felt "sticky".  So although I never had white marks or had odor issues, my underarms always felt moist which is just unpleasant. 

Kill it, Kill it with Fire!!!

So I am having all kinds of crazy around my home lately!  Last night I was outside with my dogs, it was just after the sun set.  And I heard a noise like a faint buzz saw or something of that nature.  It was a very odd noise but that's the only thing I could associate it with.  I was like what the heck is that?!  I figured a neighbor was doing some late night DIY project or something. 

Flash Forward to this morning...I was again outside with the dogs when I noticed a pile of dirt near one of my stepping stones.  I was still a bit bleary eyed so I was like "is that an ant pile? It doesn't look like an ant pile.  Is that a hole?!  Maybe I should get a closer look."  It looked something like the below.

This is not my picture but I couldn't find any info on the source, sorry.

So as I am bent over looking at this mound I see dirt start moving from the hole...WTH?!  Mind you my dog Convict came over to investigate as well.  As we stared, completely enthralled as to what this was (I was thinking small furry rodent), this is what emerged...

 

 

Photo: http://lepidopteradiary.blogspot.com/2010/04/more-on-mothing.html

 Imagine seeing THAT come out of the ground mere inches from me and my dog.  My thoughts "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, kill it with fire!!!!!" Convicts response, a huff and a whine.  It looks like some cross between a cricket, some kind of burrowing creature and the bug who cannot be named (ya know the ones I am absolutely terrified of).  I swear it looked right at me.  I picture my reaction being something like....

Meanwhile convict ran off, sacrificing me to the weird insect that just came out of the ground.  Since I didn't have any "Fire" readily available I grabbed the next best thing...a can of wasp spray.  I had it out because we are ALWAYS having issues with wasps.  If it kills wasps surely it will kill this nightmarish thing.  So I sprayed into the burrow...

Feeling very proud of myself for killing the pet of Satan, I did a happy dance...until I looked back at the hole and realized the THING was still alive, bouncing from left to right and was looking at me....*crap crap crap* so I ran inside and admitted defeat. 

I Googled what kind of bug it might be and discovered....its called a Mole Cricket...they are VERY common in the South...and they can wreak havoc on your lawn.  *sobbing* 

http://alltheragefaces.com/face/sad-crying

I just got my lawn back to pre-flood prettiness.  Apparently it is best to catch them early (I am hoping this is the only one but I doubt it).  They are most active in the late evening and early morning so that is when you should treat for them because they are near the surface and easier to kill AND they tend to do their "chirping" in their burrow...OMG the "buzz saw"...the "buzz saw" sound last night was the effing cricket!!! Something in my brain was trying to alert me to this new found foe.

So then I looked up how to kill them since clearly wasp spray does not work.  I saw the usual granular lawn treatment that includes Mole Cricket prevention. Ok cool, guess what I am buying later.  Something caught my eye in one of the results.   They have a natural predator *sweet!*.  Its a black wasp with a red bum that apparently can only be seen during the brightest hours of the day and can kill the mole cricket by laying a parasitic larvae in it that will feed on the host, eventually killing it BUT it doesn't kill the Mole Cricket babies which are very destructive. 

http://entnemdept.ufl.edu/creatures/beneficial/larra_wasps.htm

Wait..that wasp looked familiar...why does that look...Uh no...that strange looking wasp I killed yesterday...the reason the wasp spray was out...it was black with a colored body....CRAP!!!  I hope there are more...

Sometimes I hate nature :P

Do dogs have nightmares?

I mean I would assume that is possible since I am 100% certain they dream.

I ask this because around 3:51AM this morning I was awakened by something.  My arm was hanging over the side of my bed and I felt something nudging my hand.  So I instinctively swatted it away thinking it was one of the animals just being curious.  A few seconds later I was nudged again a little more forceful.  My brain woke up and I was like "Oh no!!!! One of them is going to be sick or has to go out, quick get up before you have to clean up a mess!!!"  I opened my eyes to pitch blackness, I just bought blackout curtains so there is ZERO light coming in from outside. *CRAP* I started saying, "hold on buddy, I'm coming" as I scrambled to find my cell.  When the phone lit up my side of the room I saw the most terrified looking dog.  His ears were back, his eyes were huge and he was using all of his self control to NOT jump in the bed (they are not allowed in the bed)...he looked so scared.  My first thought was when did Convict become Courage the Cowardly Dog....

Photo: http://www.funbumperstickers.com/detail.aspx?ID=3806

So I sat up and started petting him.  "what's wrong buddy??? It's okay.  Come on, lay down.  Lets go back to sleep." Every time my phone light would go off he would shove his head into my hand...when I turned it back on he relaxed.  This went on for what seemed like an eternity!!!  He moved away from me so I figured we were done.  I got all comfy laying on my side *ahhh relax* when suddenly I felt like I was being watched. . . .  I clicked my phone light on and saw a face on the edge of my bed...

Holy crap dog, what is your deal.  He whined and whimpered and huffed so I pet him again.  Poor dog looked frazzled.  I had to get out of bed and sit on the floor on his bed until he got all comfy.  Then I was FINALLY able to go to sleep...except I couldn't...all I could think of was what the heck could have scared Mr. Daredevil like that...what is in my room...is it a huge bug who cannot be named...is it a ghost...maybe he had a nightmare...do dogs have nightmares...wonder what kind of nightmare he had...I think you see where this is going.  My brain was going a mile a minute...guess I'm never gong back to sleep.  

I have no idea how long I laid there but I finally started to drift into dreamland.  *bang, bang bang, skitter skitter, hiss, bang bang*  WTF I'm up, I'm up.  Something jumps on top of my chest *ahhhhh*, I clicked on my phone

Christ on a cracker cat, WTH is your problem?!?!?!? She was puffed out, ears back, and making all sorts of weird noises. And as fast as she was there she was gone.  Great!  Is she hunting something or did she get into the nip again...  Well since I was awakened so suddenly I now had to potty... should be a private, relaxing moment...HA not in my house

Oh my God!  Can y'all please leave me alone!?!?

So needless to say I really never got back into a good sleep and I am pretty sure my cat spooked the dog.  My alarm went off at 6AM and my animals were bright eyed and bushy tailed...I was more droopy eye and frizzy hair *yawn*. 

As I was dressing for work my cat came tearing into the room. She skidded to a halt right by my feet and let out the loudest, longest MEOW, I have ever heard from her.  Then she turned tail and skittered off *bitch*, its actually really funny because we have tile and it takes her a couple seconds to get traction.

I am hyped up on caffeine at the moment. . . it's going to be a long day.  Oh yea and my husband and the older dog SLEPT through all of this!!!!!

Broadway Nails imPRESS Press-on Manicure

I received the Broadway Nails imPRESS Press-on Manicure set free from Influenster in my Spring Vox Box.  They are a great shade of purple (my fav color) called Joyride.  I love having pretty painted nails but I don't always have time to give myself a proper manicure.  This idea of these nails seems like an ideal solution.

I followed the directions picking out sizes and cleaning my nails with the included pad before applying. The nails are very pretty, a flattering color (its a deep purple), and are very easy to apply. My issues...where shall I start...well they felt fake. Like when I was typing with them on; I did not have faith that they would stay intact, they felt moveable. But for about 3 days they didn't move so that was good. Second issue is I have very petite hands which means tiny narrow, long nails. This means even the smaller ones look abnormal on my little fingers. They are a little too wide for me. And they are insanely short.  I had to cut my real nails down to the skin area so they wouldn't show above the inPRESS nail.  Also, they constantly tangled in my hair, which my hair is long so it was quite frustrating. But they looked very pretty and I loved the color. 

Moving on.  I put them on, on Friday...Monday night my one on my left middle finger popped off.  I wasn't doing anything just stirring pasta.  Maybe the heat affected it.  Once it was off there was no getting it back on.  But because I really liked them and the missing one was a conversation starter I decided to leave them on a little longer.  Thursday Morning, so 6 days in, the left index popped off.   *another one bites the dust* guess its time to take them off.

So my thoughts on them.  They are cute and easy and not very expensive.  I would totally purchase them again for a special occasion.  Unless you never do dishes, clean, fix your hair, cook, whatever they will not last 7-14 days.  But for 5.99-7.99 you can't beat them.