Do men and women learn different definitions to words?!?!?!

I ask because I was watching an after school special...or lifetime movie...or one of those real crime shows where they show the police investigation and arrest, etc. 

There was a girl who accused someone of rape.  She was a little intoxicated and a "friend" took advantage of her.  His response made me want to scream.  Actually I think I did scream.  He said "well she didn't fight back or say no".  WHAT?!?!?!  That still isn't consent!!! She said she remembered being scared, frozen with fear.  Frozen with fear AND intoxicated does not equal "stick your d**k in me". 

Consent - permission for something to happen or agreement to do something

Where in that exchange did she agree or give permission!?!?!?!?  Failure or inability to refuse sexual advances is NOT consent. 

What killed me further was people were saying things like: 
 
"How could she have been frozen with fear? He was her friend." 
"Your instincts should have kicked in and you should have said no if you really didn't want to have intercourse."
"The fact that you didn't resist, implies you were okay with it."

OMG Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!  This is what rape culture is...it "manifests through the acceptance of rapes as an everyday occurrence, and even a male prerogative. It can be exacerbated by police apathy in handling rape cases, as well as victim blaming, reluctance by the authorities to go against patriarchal cultural norms, as well as fears of stigmatization from rape victims and their families." You know the whole, "well she dressed sexy so she was asking for it" attitude.

I can tell you from first hand experience that your body doesn't always react to the screaming in your head.  Let me set the scene.  Cute little college girl (that's me) goes to the bar with her friends. She is dancing and drinking (legally) until the bar closes.  She meets many cute guys but wasn't interested because her BOYFRIEND was at home studying.  One in particular bought her a couple beers and tried to dance with her even after she said many times "I have a boyfriend" but he said its okay, I'll still buy you a drink.   Once the bar shut down her and her friends walked back to their apartment complex where they and her boyfriend lived.  There was an after party at his place.   Before heading to his apartment cute little college girl went in hers which was in the same building to freshen up.  Her friends went ahead to the party.  She was only going in for a second so locking the front door (something that rarely happened) wasn't even on her mind.  She went potty then went in her room to check her makeup.  Once done she turned towards the bedroom door.  There was a figure standing there.  It was the guy from the bar.  

*thinking* "holy shit what are you doing in my room?!!?" What I said was, "uh, hi..." He walked into my room a little.  I backed up.  He said something along the lines of "you were flirting with me all night." I took another step back (towards my bed, I was panicking).  My brain was screaming "RUN!!!" but I could barely move...could barley form a sentence.  He stepped further in and pulled the light chain throwing my room into near darkness.  I said shakily "I have a boyfriend, you need to leave." He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me back onto the bed.  He climbed on top of me and started kissing my neck.  At this point my instincts did kick in.  I managed to roll out from under him and bolted out the door.  I ran top speed in HEELS to my boyfriends apartment and burst into tears.  I told him and my friends what happened.  He was livid!!!  Him and two guy friends went to my apartment to see if he was still there.  Thankfully he left.  They asked if I wanted to report it.  But what was I going to say.  I didn't know his name or anything about him.  Just that I met him at the bar and he followed me home.  

His intention was clear.  I bought you drinks, therefore I get to f**k you.  He KNEW I didn't want anything from him.  He pursued me with the intention of taking what he wanted.  You know how I know.  Because he didn't approach me outside the bar to chat or ask for my number.  He followed me HOME without me knowing and waited until I was alone to make a move.  

I panicked.  I froze.  I did the same thing this girl did but thankfully hadn't had enough alcohol to completely hinder my senses.  Granted I never said the word "No".  I said "I have a boyfriend, you need to leave." But to me that is plainly saying I do not want to sleep with you, I said leave.  I was backing away from him...not sexily like "come hither", I was in flight mode but he was blocking the exit.  I didn't react to his pushing me onto the bed and sucking on my neck...I went limp...look my fear basically paralyzed me, it CAN happen.  But because I never went into Ninja mode he kept on.

It could have been bad, really bad.  But he was really drunk so I think that helped.  He was much bigger than me and if he wouldn't have been so intoxicated, I am 100% certain I wouldn't have been able to get away.   My only hope would have been my friends/boyfriend would have wondered what was taking so long and come to my rescue.  

This is one of the MANY things wrong with our society.  I am sure that had I not gotten away and he had assaulted me...I would have been blamed.  I would have been told I shouldn't have worn that backless shirt, shouldn't have accepted drinks if I didn't intend to "put out", should have actually said the word "No" because my body language wasn't clear enough.  That, my friend, is terrifying.

Here's my 2 cents

I am certain some people will rip me to shreds for this but I have to get this out of my brain.

I know I do not have kids, yet.  And I guess it is hard to say how I will react in many situations but I just have to vent here. 

Let me set the scene:  flash back a few years.  Here we have a teenager coming into the beginning of their senior year.  They are on top of the world until mere weeks after starting the year they get caught doing drugs.  Well not caught so much as tattled on and are now required to be on probation and take random drug tests.  Here is where mom and dad step in and make sure they understand how bad this is and exert their parentness...except it doesn't last.  They are going to do stuff with friends and going to dances and have their stuff back in just a few weeks.  Where is the lesson to be learned?  I mean they can't let him/her not experience their senior year, it would be regrettable! I guess I just don't understand since I am not a parent. 

Flash forward a few months, its Mardi Gras...said teen is going to a "friends camp" for the holiday.   I know where they are really going. . . come one. . . its Mardi Gras. . . where the hell else are they going to go!? But alas we trust the kid and alas we are caught with our pants down again. . .guess where we were. . . come on guess.  Again there is a punishment but it doesn't last. . .by the end of the school year we are going on senior trip and to the beach with a friends family and getting a brand new car (nicer than anything I can afford with a full time job) for graduation.  Seriously where is the lesson to be learned?! Right...I don't have kids...okay never mind...keeping mouth shut. 

Jump to the first semester of college, its the first football game.  And they get caught with alcohol and a fake ID (apparently this happened to MANY new students as the one I am discussing was 1of 3 I heard of).  As required by law they are ticketed for underage drinking and possession of someone else's ID (I have no idea what it is called but you get the drift).  It sucks but I can't fault them too much here (I was a college student once, HELLO!) but come on at least TRY to hide your underage drinking from the nice police officer. 

A few months later in a drunken stupor they are arrested for a bar fight.  I'm sure the bar fight would have been bad enough but because of the amount of alcohol in their system they feel invincible and put up a fight...for those that don't know that is considered resisting arrest and well cops don't really like it when you do that.  So 9 hours in county lockup and $2,000 later the very upset parents manage to get them out.  Surely the punishment this time will be harsh! But again I am at a loss.  They still keep their vehicle and are still permitted to do whatever they want essentially.  The excuse is well they are in college, I cannot treat them like a child.  And  they are going to pay me back for ALL of this!   Sure they are *rolling eyes*.  Yea well ya know what when I was in college, if I would have done anything 1/16 as bad as that my daddy would have come find me and dragged me home by my hair.  Along with putting me under his own version of house arrest, taking away my vehicle and refusing to lend me any money.  I'd be lucky if he allowed me to even finish school at that point.  I would have been completely CUT OFF!  Apparently that is not how you handle a young miscreant today...now you must not let them feel like you've abandoned them, and coddle them, and let them suckle from your teat until you are in the poor house.  Because we would rather backrupt ourselves than teach a juvenile delinquent a lesson in how to be an adult.  I just...do not tell me I do not understand because I am not a parent!  There is clearly a PROBLEM here!!!!!

And now we are full circle.  We are in the here in now.  And guess what...our little delinquent has no idea how to be a freaking adult!  They still suckle from the parents money teat.  Granted they have not been involved in any more trouble...well as far as we know...but they have no sense of responsibility. i.e. they are failing out of school...as in grades so low they can't even get a loan!   Dad is irritated.  He wants to know why they are the way they are.  Mom is saying they are just a year our of high school, you can't expect them to act like an adult.  And so we see the problem.  If not in college then when should you develop into a responsible adult???  I learned how to manage time and expenses in college.  It prepared me for the real world so to say.  If we baby our college students, they will have NO IDEA how to handle budgets and time.  They will not be able to hold a proper job and possibly never be able to pay bills accordingly.  They may live off of credit and not know why they can't get a decent job.  We are creating a huge problem!  There is a point where you have to push them out of the nest and see if they fly...let them sink or swim...or whatever other analogy you want to use. You can't always protect them from life.  The sooner you let them learn how to handle adult situations (once they are adults) the better they will get at it.  You can be there to assist but you've got to loosen your grip man. 

This isn't the only situation I've heard of others.  There are way more than I'd like to admit.  Don't get me wrong I was spoiled at times and had to be helped out once or twice financially.  But I was also a near straight A student, held down a job and stayed out of trouble.  I earned the right to have mom and dad occasionally spoil me.