I want to wear your skin

Ever have one of those moments where you aren't sure if you should be flattered or fear for your life?

Well I had one of those the other day.  

I forgot to pick up some things at the grocery and had to make a last minute stop.  Mind you I have been baking for two days so I have unwashed (possibly unbrushed) hair, no makeup, and yoga pants/hoodie on. So I put on my favorite podcast and ventured into the insanity.  

I grabbed my items and ran to the express line.  I mean it's two days before Christmas...why are all you people here????

While I am "patiently" waiting, I feel like someone is staring at me.  Like you know how you can just feel the weight of someone's stare????  I look around but everyone is like me just trying to get the f**k out of there.  But I couldn't shake the feeling I had eyes boring into me.  

I glance up again and catch a guy in the other express lane staring at me.  Not like he looked in my direction.  Like STARING at me.  

And he didn't look away when I caught him.  He just kept STARING a hole into my head.  So I looked away and tried to ignore him.  Well I could still feel him looking at me.  Everytime I looked up, he was looking right at me.  It was so freaking weird.  

He was attractive-ish I guess, maybe a little older, dark shaggy hair and blue blue eyes.  If I wasn't so disturbed I may have been a little flattered. But I was ready to get out of his line of sight.

I finally checked out and started out the door when someone grabs my elbow.  I about jumped out of my skin and yanked my arm away.  He did that whole "hands up", I mean no harm thing and said "I noticed you in line and couldn’t look away".  This is when I realized he didn't have bags...as in he got out of line to come talk to me!!!!!!!!!!  

Okay now I am thoroughly $hitting my pants.  Every alarm in my brain is screaming. And I said "oh do I know you?" as I backed up a little...because that is what you say to your potential kidnapper. Come on chick, geeze! It's busy but no one was near us at this point and it was starting to get dark.

Now he is still staring and when I say STARING...It's like that no emotion, BLANK, unhinged person in a movie stare.  

Like he was reading my f**king thoughts and enjoying every second of my panic. 

He says "no you don't know me but I am drawn to you like gravity" as he looks me up and down and back into my eyes.

OKAY WTAF is happening?!?!  I am literally listening to a podcast called Morbid as this is happening and while I love it, I don't want to be an episode ON IT.  

So I just kinda laughed and said "right, okay well Merry Christmas".  -exit stage left-

That Mother F**ker stepped in my path 

I am trying to think of anything I can use as a weapon.  I don't have my purse, just my card, phone, & key fob in my pocket.  And I bought f**king marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate baking chips.  What am I going to do threaten him with deconstructed smores??!?!!?   

Then he seductively said....."I'd really love to give you a call sometime, like later tonight."  That's right....HE ASKED FOR MY MOTHER F**KING NUMBER.  

Um Bruh...just no.  So I uncomfortably say "sorry, taken and bolt BACK into the store" saying over my shoulder "I think I forgot Milk"

Because you know you have to give the creepy serial killer staring dude a reason why you are running away.  I did NOT look back but was ready to grab a bottle of wine off the shelf and chug it in store or use it as a club.

He may have just been "attracted" to me.  But the vibe I got was he wanted to wear my skin like a shawl.  I probably stayed in the store for another 20 min, found a security guard to walk me to my car, and high tailed it out of the parking lot.   Then I drove around like some nutcase trying to see if I was being followed because I was convinced this f**ker is going to follow me home and hubs isn't there.  

So that's my story of how a Buffalo Bill wannabe tried to pick me up at the Grocery store right before Christmas.  

Did you know that was in there?

So I had that ultrasound. 

The tech was so sweet.  She was like this is going to be awk but we'll see what's up.  Also this isn't like the movie ultra sound you are thinking of.  This isn't squirt gel on the belly and see what's inside.  This is stick a wand in your lady bits and try to relax. 

So it took over an hour (should have been 15 - 20 min) BECAUSE she was so fascinated by my weirdness and impressed with my pain tolerance that she took like 40 pics AND went get another Senior Tech to make sure she was properly seeing things. 

Dude bro....DUUUUUUDE BROOOO.  I have the most pissed off uterus right now!!!!!  The tech said "Oh. Hmmmm. What.  Well.. are you in pain" for the entire exam.  Then the other one said the same.  I was LITERALLY called the "Medical Mystery" of the day.  

Both were like "you know you also have 2 cysts on your right ovary?"  Nope wasn't aware.  "Are you in pain???????"  Honestly I think I am just immune to it now.  So all in all.... I have two Uterine Fibroids - one seems to be stemmed (whatever the f**k that means), a polyp, a possibly "necrotic" fibroid and a "pooling of blood that is just waiting to burst free".  The necrotic thing isn't as bad as it sounds.  It basically means there may have been another fibroid that was basically getting rid of itself.  But the other stuff.... just f**k me man. 

So I saw the Doc and he said I have to have a Procedure to remove the intruders and keep me from having another month long period again. 

It's called a Hysteroscopic Myomectomy and DNC. 

In layman's terms...they go in with a camera with a tool on the end and remove the fibroids/polyps, then scrape the tissue from the uterine walls (OH FUN!). 

I've had something similar about 8 years ago and it f**king sucked.  But this time nothing through the belly button just through the hoohah. But I'll still be down for a few days and no lifting or basically anything more than walking for 2-3 weeks.  

Riding the Crimsom...Tsunami?

This is 1000% TMI please feel free to skip. 

I know I've mentioned it before but I sometimes hate being a female.  We deal with the most ridiculous issues and 90% of the time its downplayed as NBD. 

Well ya know what it is a Big Deal!

I've had some weirdo issues over the years but this takes the cake.

I'm still uh...fairly regular when it comes to monthly occurrences.  Almost like clock work I know when things will happen.  Well last month things...went...sideways. 

It started normal-ish. My cycle began almost exactly when expected.  Except this time it started with me literally having a breakdown after a night out (WTF?!?!)

Legit basically no other issues.  3 days later it tapered off and I got ready for Turkey Day.  That is where things went butt f**k crazy. 

About to leave for dads and I feel a little something.  Well $hit it came back (not abnormal).  I had the WORST CRAMPS OF MY LIFE trying to have a convo with my cousin, this is NOT normal. I was so sick I barely ate. 

3 days later MOFO is still going, like GOING...like WTF this never happens going.  I get to day 7 and I'm like something is wrong wrong, I've gone through a BOX of lady sticks in 4 days.  

I get to day 10 and I'm like white as a sheet, this is no bueno.  I call my OB and get an appt that day (also unheard of). 

I get a once over and a "hmmm that's not normal for you".  Yea no $hit....  I get an Rx for something to make the bleeding stop and an appt for an Ultrasound in 2 weeks because they think its uterine fibroids or polyps...cool cool...no thanks. 

At this point I am not buying anymore effing lady sticks so I get a cup.  Why I didn't do this sooner is BEYOND me.  Best thing EVER ladies!

Anyways, the Rx slows it down but its still happening.  I bled excessively for TWENTY TWO DAYS!!!!!!!!!  Honestly I have no idea how I didn't just pass out from blood loss.  On day 22 we have shower sexy time and the mofo stops.  WTAF?!!??!  I would have done this much sooner if I knew it would stop it!!!!!!!  Except I felt like actual butthole and didn't want to be touched. 

Can I just say...I know some women deal with excessively long cycles and I...I want to hug you because this was stupid and I hated life for almost a month.  Lets see what the ultrasound says....