Alcohol makes me have weird dreams!

Why do I drink, when I know I have work the next day?!?!?

I am all about analyzing dreams but I have no idea what to think about this one.

It begins with me out with my friend (a guy I’ve known since H.S.). I get a call. It’s my “boyfriend”. Ok we all know I do not have one of those right now but anyways. While I am on the phone with him I realize he sounds funny. He sounds drunk or something. He is saying stuff that is upsetting me but I cannot remember what he was saying. Well my friend thinks we should go check on him because I was so upset. So we go to this house party across the river.

When we get there this a-hole answers the door (it’s his house). I asked for my “boyfriend” and the guy gives me a funny look and points to the backyard. I go back there and there is this guy sitting in a chair HIGH AS A KITE, tripping his butt off. I can’t see his face. I am really trying but I don’t know who he is… In my dream I knew he was my man. So I run over to him and he is out of it. He starts calling me names and accusing me of being unfaithful. At this point I get mad, so I go over to a-hole that opened the door and say “what did you give him?” He called me a C- -T and shoves me. He says my guy is a big boy and can do whatever he wants. I agree with him, but I say that I am concerned about the way he is acting and would like to know what he took to make him act like this. A-hole shows me these white pills with purple hearts. I have no clue what it was. All of a sudden my guy starts vomiting and my friend goes over to help him. I say that’s it I am taking him home, he is obviously not doing well.

The a-hole grabs me by my neck and pins me against the wall. It was horrible I couldn’t breathe. My man’s ex girl is there (she was this cute lil Latina) and grabs a-hole and is screaming “let her go”. My friend is trying to help too. Finally he lets go, calls me a C- -T again and walks off. I am on the ground choking and only the ex girl and my friend seem to care. Well they help me get my guy into his car and I drove it to his house, while my friend followed.

In the car my man (who is still trippin balls), freaks out. He suddenly becomes aware he’s not at the party and in his car with someone else driving. He starts attacking me. So I am swerving all over the road and then all of a sudden he just stops and passes out. All I remember is this sharp pain by my ear and a ringing. Well we get to his house and my friend helps me get him out. He starts vomiting again… this time its red. He has another freak out and launches me into the street. I landed on my left arm (sharp shooting pain) and hit my head. When he passed back out we took him to the ER.

It gets a little fuzzy at this point… I don’t remember much but that the Doctor assisting him notices the hand marks around my neck and takes me to the side. I explain everything that happened. The doctor called the cops, my guy ends up handcuffed to the bed and I was getting examined…then I woke up…with a splitting headache and a dog sleeping on my neck.

So have at it…analyze this ;)

I feel like such a snob!

Is it possible to be a bitchy snob and not really realize it?

Well in my defense I have NEVER seen myself as a snobby person. I mean I can be at times but for the most part it just doesn't come naturally to me, I am generally nice to everyone. But I am finding as I get a little older I am less tolerant of people and their situations...especially if they can change it.

You see my internet guy and I "made up" after my last post. We are okay I guess but I am still a bit leery of him. He says okay with not being "with" me, but I don't know if I fully believe him. Anyways as I was showering last night (hush I do lots of thinking in the shower), I started thinking about my expectations and what I want in a significant other. Some things are superficial but I think they might be important. So here goes.

When I was younger all I cared about was my connection to the other person.
* Compatibility
* Sexual Attraction
* Interests
* Level of 'Fun'
* Level of Jealousy
* Etc etc etc
All that future and job stuff didn't really matter to me...

Now that I am more mature other things tag onto that list like... (don't laugh)
* Type of Job
* Level of enjoyment in said job
* Financial responsibility
* Future goals and wants
* Level of intelligence
* MUST LOVE DOGS

After all this thinking in the shower I've decided the men I usually choose do not meet enough of these standards. I don't need/want a Dr or Lawyer when I say Type of job, I mean does he work in a dead end industry, make next to nothing and do nothing but B%*&H about it constantly...even though he KNOWS he can do better. Hmmm, I wonder if I am talking about someone in particular.... I know, I know I am a b%*&h.

Anyways, I don't need or want a Mr. Big but I do want AND need someone who can take care of themselves. I need someone who is not scared to venture out on their own. I need someone... like me, DOH!

I guess I have finally come to the conclusion that...
"I ain't settling for just getting by, I've had enough so so for the rest of my life, Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high, Just enough ain't enough this time, I ain't settling for anything less than everything..."

Ok now that I am done breaking out in song, what do I do. I like Internet Guy but my shower time made me finally accept why I wont be with him. He doesn't meet enough of the criteria I had subconsciously created in my head. He meets 4 of the connection criteria but he fails a big one... he gets really jealous and he doesn't say anything, he bottles it up and then EXPLODES (not good).

But on the second list he meets only a couple. It's not that he has a bad job per se but he complains about it all the time and says he really needs to find a new one but then does nothing. For gods sake he has a college degree and is fairly smart he can do WAY better but he chooses not to. Just like he chose not to go to the better college because he wanted to take care of his family (honorable but questionable) or chooses to still live with the fam even though he could easily move out. To me it's like he's scared to move on. And that scares me. He's never been on his own, he's never had a roommate, he's never had to live pay check to paycheck to make rent or buy groceries. He's never been...an adult. I mean he wholly depends on his 'girl' to have her own place because he still lives at home (he wants to act like an adult but doesn't have the means to do it :P).

My other dilemma. Best Friend's Cousin meets WAY more of my silly criteria. But we don't have the same emotional connection... well we might but we haven't had enough dates to figure that out yet :P haha.

Anyways I am still not ready to "pick" a guy but I am ready to do better. I deserve to do better. I deserve a man that will respect me, wants to take care of me and himself, wants to be with me and makes ME happy...right?

I'm not ready to... decide...

Why do I have to chose?  Is three months the commitment timeline?

OK so I got into a HUGE argument with my internet guy.  You see we have talked about how I am not ready to be in a relationship and I want to be single for while and date sort of.  Somewhere I knew he didn't really get it...well he still wanted to be around.  Which in the back of my mind I KNEW would end up badly but I said okay anyway.  Tonight I logged onto social network site when I got off of work and saw a status response to me calling me baby and saying how much he missed me.  My reflex was delete...  Why I do not know.  Seriously after I did it, I was like why the hell did I just do that but I took it as a sign that I didn't want to be..."his".

Anyways he sees that I deleted it and went Ape Sh**!  I felt bad I really did but there was nothing I could say except that I just didn't want him to call me his baby and say he missed me.  It's not appropriate for non-boyfriend type, to me it was like he was pissing on his territory.  Well his tune changed.  He wanted to know why I wasn't ready.  How, if me and my ex were really fin like I said we were, why I couldn't decide if I wanted to be with him.

 

I tried to explain, its not because of my ex that I don't want to be in a relationship that I was hurt badly by a few people I thought I could trust.  All he saw was that I wont chose him and its because I am still "with" my Ex.  I sat on the phone for 45 minutes as he told me EVERYTHING I do wrong and that pretty much I am "lucky" to have him because he is understanding to my situation and no other guy would be that way.  

Okay, he is a really great guy...most of the time.  But this is WHY I don't want a relationship.  I don't want to argue, I don't want to be accused of "things", I don't want my every move analyzed/criticized and I do NOT want to have to explain myself to anyone.  He obviously wants a girlfriend, he told me he has STRONG feelings for me and he thinks I am stringing him along.  I'm not doing that.  I do like him and I think we click, really well.  Maybe thats what scares me.  Maybe I can see that we might make a great couple and it trips me out.  I don't know.  Whatever the case I don't know what to do now.  

A week or so ago we had a conversation about how its not OK to make a girl or guy "chose" because of a situation going on with a friend of mine.  Whether its between two guys/girls, them and their friends, or whatever.  It has to be up to them to decide...he/she shouldn't be forced into a choice.  And then he turns around and tries to make me chose.  He said he's not forcing me into a choice but essentially thats what he's doing...right?  He pretty much told me I have to chose to be with him and only him or not have him in my life at all.  I almost said, "well then I guess this is goodbye"  but before I could say it he said "Don't say anything.  My feelings for you haven't changed, I was hurt and still am.  I was just trying to leave a nice comment on your page.  Can I call you later?"  I was kinda dumb founded.  I think I only groaned and said "Uh sure, if ya want to."  And we hung up...

So what do I do?  My head says just let it go, if he can't understand where your coming from, he's not for you.  But then this stupid heart thing gets in the way and I think about how ridiculously compatible we are, the fun we have, and how nauseatingly romantic he is.   ARGH! 

Walk away or stay?  I'm just not ready to... decide...

It's Raining Men...

...And here I am without my Umbrella!

Holy crap, I dunno what to do. Okay so last night I went to the Rehearsal Dinner with Friend's Cousin. We had so much fun!!! I made friends with the wife of one of the Usher's so her and I were cutting up the whole time. Me and my date were goofing off also. He was MUCH more comfortable with me this time and definitely more flirty.

It was so embarrassing at one point because we were sitting there talking and we can hear the people at one end of the table saying to take the Bride and Grooms order first. So I am talking to my new friend and my date was telling a story, I believe and all of a sudden I hear the waitress say, "they told me to take your order first" to my date. He played it off very well and I just laughed. Then I turned around and the Usher said "you're gonna need 10 glasses of wine after that one", haha.

Well anyway, the way we were seated two of the groomsmen without dates were across from us. They are old military buddies of the Groom. One was very cute/charming and the other I swear was gay but he had a wedding band sooooooo I dunno. Well the cute one was FLIRTING with me, like shamelessly. I know my date noticed...well he may not have he was having too much fun swapping stories with the Groom. Don't get me wrong this guy very attractive but seriously man, I was with someone, STOP FLIRTING. I took it as a compliment though, I must have looked quite HOT!

A good time was had by all and it really made me lookforward to the wedding tomorrow. I think I'll have a good time :). After the dinner ended I got hugs from everyone, yay they must have liked me ;) haha. Well my date brought me back to my car and I headed home. Before I was half way there he called. He wanted to tell me to drive safe and that I looked very pretty tonight (which he must have said 10 times throughout the night). THen he said "so what's it like still living with your Ex?" Um, what, how in tha world...Um, k. Well I explained the situation and he started laughing. He said I am a better person than him. I think I made him feel better when I said "Thats been over since april, we are Literally roomates, he does his thing I do my thing and we will go our seperate ways once we sell the house". He seemed ok with it, but its hard to tell over the phone but he still asked me to call when I got in my house so he knew I was safe, aw.

When I called he said again how nice I looked and that he had lots of fun. He said he'll call me today :D.

So why is it raining men. Well...
1. I had another good date with Friends Cousin
2. Best Man was Flirting with me ALL night
3. Internet guy texted and called me a few times "just to say hello and goodnight"
oh yea and
4. when I was leaving, I noticed my Ex watching me out of the corner of my eye (he never does that)

What to do, what to do? Oooo Ooooo Oooooo I know, go compleltly insane and have my best friend commit me :P. So what I predicted happened BUT it happened at the Rehearsal not the Wedding. I am NOT ready to be tied down to one guy. I like Internet Guy a lot I really do but I am not even close to being ready to be in another semi-serious relationship.

Confusion...2 good guys, 1 girl :(

What do you do when you find a good thing but you are not ready for it?

Okay so as you know I've been on a few dates with my internet guy. He is super sweet and understanding and...anyways you get the picture. I like him, I really do but I am not ready for another relationship yet. I want to have fun still. I want to go out on random dates, not because I am looking for anything but because I can... does that make any sense? I want to party it up with my friends and flirt and not feel guilty. I just want...I want to be single for a while.

So you may be asking yourself what brought on this rant here. Well ya see my friends cousin (guy from 5th First Date) called me out of the blue last week. He apologized for going MIA but said some stuff came up that he had to take care of and he also bought a house (like 5 min from where I live) and has been dealing with that. He said he had fun when we went out and wanted to see if I wanted to go out again. I guess I sounded a little put off on the phone because he quickly said, the house stuff has consumed his time, etc etc etc.

He asked what I was doing this Saturday, because he needed a date for this wedding and would like it if I could go. I had no plans, yet, but I didn't want to just say yes. He said he also wanted me to go to the rehearsal dinner on Thursday, if I could make it. I asked if I could let him know on Sunday a definite yay or nay. He said he'd give me a call. OK GREAT!

So for 3 days I contemplated what to do. Of course my friends and select family that knew said "Go for it, free food and booze". But I started to feel like I shouldn't even though internet guy and I are NOT, not seeing other people. So when he called Monday...I said OK. And it felt great :D haha. Problem, how do I tell but not tell internet guy. Well I just said I was going with a friend to a wedding Saturday, which is true. He asked if it was a guy...I said yes and we left it at that. Not bad right?

So why do I feel like a horrible person. I'll tell you why...because I like him and I shouldn't, AHHHH! So I am hoping that going out with friend's cousin will help me to figure out what to do...either that or it will confuse me more :P.

I am thinking after the wedding one of two things will happen:

1. Going on a date with another guy will make me realize how NOT ready for a relationship I am and that I should still be having fun

2. I will realize I want to be with Internet Guy and only him, even though I'm not ready for it

Somebody shoot me I thought dating was suposed to be fun!!!!!

He is too good to be true!

Why aren't all guys this amazing...?

OK so today was a very busy day for me. First I met my girls at the mall to shop for the big concert and I got fitted for yet another Bridesmaid Dress! Well after we were done at the mall my Internet Guy wanted to come meet me for a late lunch and whatever.

So we met up at this great Italian Grill by the mall and had lunch and stuff. Afterward we couldn't decide what to do, so I suggested my old stompin' grounds ;). My Grammar school was having their annual fair and I hadn't been in a few years, so we went.

We played booth games, rode rides and walked around. It was so simple but so nice. I even ran into a couple of old teachers that actually recognized me (it's been 14 years since they taught me). We had a couple beers there then headed over to a Bar & Grill to meet his cousin and shoot some pool. Okay correction, they shot pool, I drank a purple people eater ;). I got hit on by our Waitress...yes that' s right I said waitress o_O. I guess I was giving off the ' vibe' that night. Then him and I were going to go see a movie after that but we ended up just talking in the car and then going to another bar.

Okay so we didn't just talk in the car but its kind of hard not to just attack him :D haha. Well we ended up having "the talk", the one I have been dreading because I didn't know how he'd react...

I finally had to tell him about my living situation, which I was a lil' nervous about doing...I mean how do you tell a guy you like, "Uh hey by the way I still live with my Ex that I was sort of engaged too and was with for 5 years". But I couldn't put it off anymore because he wanted to help me out by coming to my house so I didn't have to drive so much...which is really sweet BUT CANNOT happen, haha. He actually took it quite well. I was surprised. He said he knew something was up (dude I am the WORST liar, you can see right through me, haha). He said I seemed like a trustworthy person and if I say me and him are done and JUST roommates he believes me. Aw :D. Anyways, that' s my story ;)

Date with a Lawyer :P

How do you tell someone to 'hush' or rather S.T.F.U. without being rude?

Ok so my godmother somehow talked me into meeting one of the Lawyers in her office. I didn't really want to go because 1. The last time I was set up by a family member it was disastrous and 2. I kinda like my internet guy (A LOT). Well I tell my godmother this but all she can say is, "Whaddaya got to lose?" And she's right internet guy and I are not 'exclusive' but still.

So I go meet this guy. He's very, um, nice. Ok I am being nice. He annoyed the crap outta me. So here is why I do not think I am interested.
1. He is 10 years older than me
2. He wanted to meet at a Coffee Shop
3. He is balding...a lot...and has a cover up thing going on (just shave it)
4. He's NEVER been in a super serious relationship...most were short
5. Oh and the kicker...He wouldn't stop talking...about himself!

Seriously I couldn't get a word in. I would start talking and he would actually interrupt me and start talking about himself. It was so annoying. So pretty much I sat there for a couple hours listening to him chat about...HIM. What ticked me off was we met at 7PM, I was flipping starving and he never once said wanna get a bite to eat. I would have paid for it, I don't care about that but I needed food! At one point he said he chose a Coffee Shop because he wanted me to feel comfortable. I said in my lil sarcastic voice, "Honestly I'm a lot more comfortable with a beer in my hand." Ha ha, then he said, I kid you not, "Note to self." OMG really!!! Like I said I could barely get a word in. Finally I interrupted him and said it's late I really have to go (it was a little after 9PM). He walked me to my car and I think expected a kiss, he got a hug. He asked for my number but before I could say anything he said never mind I have that from your Aunt. I was like GREAT, :P. So I left and immediately called my friend and told her everything, haha. I had to stop at McDonald's for food...I didn't want to eat fast food but I was DYING!