The butterfly? Uh-uh, that's old. Let me see the Mach 4 Tootsee Roll!

The other day I was having a bad day.  Work was being cumbersome.  Hubs was being germy all over the house.  And my battery in my vehicle died... again!

I'd been plotting my plans for a fun filled weekend just trying to get through this awful Thursday!  I heard little bit itching.  Now she has the WORST seasonal allergies so I got up to stop her from itching her face off.  

I was helping her by itching her cute little muzzle when when she suddenly sneeze/coughed.  

And shot out SOMETHING at my face at mach speed!!!

I dodged just in time for it to miss my face and hit my shoulder and land on my thigh!!!

It was a f**king piece of $hit!!!!

Slimy, still partially frozen... $HIT!!!!

I screamed, she ran, Speedy came to investigate.  

After cleaning the ICK, I had to change because it looked like Mr. Hanky attacked me.  

I kept grumbling "You are a disgusting creature!!!!!!" And she kept crawling to me on her belly with her head down. 

I had signed off and worked out and laid on the floor to stretch my back.

Lil bit laid on top of me pinning me down and tried to lick my face.

I was freaking out and tried to get away but it became a game and she is freakishly strong when she wants to be.  Then she got under my arm and LICKED ME ON THE LIPS!!!!

I went full Lucy.

And hubs didn't even try to help...he was laughing too hard!

That was not Gus Gus!

It's getting "cooler" finally but we live in the south so its 52 in the AM and 80 by midday. 

But with it getting cooler.....something has found its way into our attic and it made me realized I didn't share my horror story from LAST Winter.  

... kidding.  But it was early 2024 and it was TRAUMATIZING!

I was sitting at my desk and I heard a scratching noise.  A few days later it sounded like MULTIPLE creatures were playing WWE in the attic.  WTAF Bruh!

Now a few years ago we had a critter problem and used poison in the attic... NEVER AGAIN!  Those f**kers would fall down the damn wall and we'd have f**king fly-mageddon in the house which was traumatizing!

Anyways we got the snap traps.  Look I know its not great but I refuse to use glue traps...these are basically instant death and its easier to dispose of them..in theory. 

I'm at our little bar pouring some wine and I hear a loud **SNAP**.  Followed by the most horrific screeching and then **thump thump thump thump** above me.  

WTAF?!?!?!  It's supposed to be instant death...AHHHH!

So we venture into the attic and the trap is GONE!  This Mother F**ker must have only got a leg stuck and ran and jumped OVER the edge of the ceiling and got stuck in the flashing outside.  We can't get to it but can hear it outside flip flopping around. 

Well f**k me!  For two f**king days I can hear it just outside of my office slowly dying and I feel awful because I can't give it a swift end.  

I am in the DEEPEST sleep when lil bit and speedy lose their f**king cheerios! It was 2AM and they were going nuts.  I let them out of the bedroom and they ran into the living room and stared at the ceiling.  Ah beans... did we catch something?!?!?!

The next day hubs went into the attic and it did not suffer **whew**.

I am cooking dinner and hear a **SNAP**.  Hubs goes to investigate and I hear laughing through the ceiling.  He calls my name to come see.  Trap is triggered and there is blood but no critter... f*********ck!  Its gonna die in the GD wall!

I get home from an outing and hear something in the attic.  I tell hubs to go check.  He does and is like UMMMMMM.  I go up there and there is another one caught but its VERY alive and flip flopping all over the place.  We managed to grab the trap with a grabber and bring it out front.  I didn't ask what he did but we counted the trap as a "loss".  Lovely.  

About this time I start to smell something funky in the guest bath.  Like not awful but not great.  Over the next two days its definitely dead body smell. We look in the attic but its not up there....its in a wall or under the tub... F********CK!  I have to block off the bathroom and back bedroom because we have fly-mageddon.  

I put up fly traps and sprayed daily.  I stopped counting when I swept up 150 flies.   

All in all we caught/killed 5 RATS.  These weren't little mice...these were RATS and we couldn't figure out how they were getting in.  

So hopefully whatever I heard the other day doesn't lead to this again because it was Traumatizing AF!

Oh what a night

I generally know my limits but apparently wine sometimes can 100% kick your @$$.  At least I hope it was only wine....

I was out of town at an event with a few peeps and we went out for libations afterwards.  There is a point in the night where I remember nothing!  Zero, ziltch, nada.  

I woke up naked in my hotel bathtub.  I DO NOT take baths!!!  Especially do not take them in HOTELS!  So at 2AM I climb out of the cold water...glad I didn't f**king drown and flopped into bed.  I woke up to meet my peeps at 8AM.  Still NO MEMORY! I have a literal black hole of 5 hours.  

I know nothing happened.  I know I made it safely to my room. I remember getting a glass of wine at the hotel bar.  I remember one of my friends paying and me Venmo-ing him.  That is where the memories end.  The problem is I know what I drank.  I had 2 beers at a bar and 1 glass of wine at the hotel.  That is NOT enough for me to be drunk.  

I checked my phone.  No "drunk" texts or calls.  I apparently spoke with the hubs for 30 min before I went shower.  The next day he said I sounded funny but he didn't think I was that bad.  

Yall...YALL!  After meeting with my peeps for a bit I went to the bathroom and I had MASSIVE bruises on my legs.  Like I fell (not like hand prints).  I asked one of the girls if I was acting weird and she said no, I slurred a few words but was still making sense and walking fine.  She said we parted ways at the elevator and all was good.  

I didn't say anything to the guys because I was worried my friend (the one I've mentioned before) would get on my case about drinking (he didn't come out with us) even though I don't remember having more than 3 drinks.  Either that or he would have gone over protective thinking someone drugged me...which I am honestly not ruling that out yet.  

I felt off all day.  Not hungover just, foggy.  That night we went out again and I had a few drinks (1 more than the night before) and I was FINE.  I didn't wake up naked in the tub.  So what gives.  Did I not eat enough the night before?  Or did some tw@t waffle drug me...AGAIN.  

I am careful.  I don't leave my drinks unattended but people are slick and the bar was crowded.  

I feel so stupid but I know I didn't do anything wrong. 

I am thankful yet again that I was with people I trusted but HOLY F**KING $HIT!  I am over forty and was one of the younger peoples at this event.  I feel so violated....but so glad I had enough brain power to get to my room.