Alcohol makes me have weird dreams!

Why do I drink, when I know I have work the next day?!?!?

I am all about analyzing dreams but I have no idea what to think about this one.

It begins with me out with my friend (a guy I’ve known since H.S.). I get a call. It’s my “boyfriend”. Ok we all know I do not have one of those right now but anyways. While I am on the phone with him I realize he sounds funny. He sounds drunk or something. He is saying stuff that is upsetting me but I cannot remember what he was saying. Well my friend thinks we should go check on him because I was so upset. So we go to this house party across the river.

When we get there this a-hole answers the door (it’s his house). I asked for my “boyfriend” and the guy gives me a funny look and points to the backyard. I go back there and there is this guy sitting in a chair HIGH AS A KITE, tripping his butt off. I can’t see his face. I am really trying but I don’t know who he is… In my dream I knew he was my man. So I run over to him and he is out of it. He starts calling me names and accusing me of being unfaithful. At this point I get mad, so I go over to a-hole that opened the door and say “what did you give him?” He called me a C- -T and shoves me. He says my guy is a big boy and can do whatever he wants. I agree with him, but I say that I am concerned about the way he is acting and would like to know what he took to make him act like this. A-hole shows me these white pills with purple hearts. I have no clue what it was. All of a sudden my guy starts vomiting and my friend goes over to help him. I say that’s it I am taking him home, he is obviously not doing well.

The a-hole grabs me by my neck and pins me against the wall. It was horrible I couldn’t breathe. My man’s ex girl is there (she was this cute lil Latina) and grabs a-hole and is screaming “let her go”. My friend is trying to help too. Finally he lets go, calls me a C- -T again and walks off. I am on the ground choking and only the ex girl and my friend seem to care. Well they help me get my guy into his car and I drove it to his house, while my friend followed.

In the car my man (who is still trippin balls), freaks out. He suddenly becomes aware he’s not at the party and in his car with someone else driving. He starts attacking me. So I am swerving all over the road and then all of a sudden he just stops and passes out. All I remember is this sharp pain by my ear and a ringing. Well we get to his house and my friend helps me get him out. He starts vomiting again… this time its red. He has another freak out and launches me into the street. I landed on my left arm (sharp shooting pain) and hit my head. When he passed back out we took him to the ER.

It gets a little fuzzy at this point… I don’t remember much but that the Doctor assisting him notices the hand marks around my neck and takes me to the side. I explain everything that happened. The doctor called the cops, my guy ends up handcuffed to the bed and I was getting examined…then I woke up…with a splitting headache and a dog sleeping on my neck.

So have at it…analyze this ;)

I feel like such a snob!

Is it possible to be a bitchy snob and not really realize it?

Well in my defense I have NEVER seen myself as a snobby person. I mean I can be at times but for the most part it just doesn't come naturally to me, I am generally nice to everyone. But I am finding as I get a little older I am less tolerant of people and their situations...especially if they can change it.

You see my internet guy and I "made up" after my last post. We are okay I guess but I am still a bit leery of him. He says okay with not being "with" me, but I don't know if I fully believe him. Anyways as I was showering last night (hush I do lots of thinking in the shower), I started thinking about my expectations and what I want in a significant other. Some things are superficial but I think they might be important. So here goes.

When I was younger all I cared about was my connection to the other person.
* Compatibility
* Sexual Attraction
* Interests
* Level of 'Fun'
* Level of Jealousy
* Etc etc etc
All that future and job stuff didn't really matter to me...

Now that I am more mature other things tag onto that list like... (don't laugh)
* Type of Job
* Level of enjoyment in said job
* Financial responsibility
* Future goals and wants
* Level of intelligence
* MUST LOVE DOGS

After all this thinking in the shower I've decided the men I usually choose do not meet enough of these standards. I don't need/want a Dr or Lawyer when I say Type of job, I mean does he work in a dead end industry, make next to nothing and do nothing but B%*&H about it constantly...even though he KNOWS he can do better. Hmmm, I wonder if I am talking about someone in particular.... I know, I know I am a b%*&h.

Anyways, I don't need or want a Mr. Big but I do want AND need someone who can take care of themselves. I need someone who is not scared to venture out on their own. I need someone... like me, DOH!

I guess I have finally come to the conclusion that...
"I ain't settling for just getting by, I've had enough so so for the rest of my life, Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high, Just enough ain't enough this time, I ain't settling for anything less than everything..."

Ok now that I am done breaking out in song, what do I do. I like Internet Guy but my shower time made me finally accept why I wont be with him. He doesn't meet enough of the criteria I had subconsciously created in my head. He meets 4 of the connection criteria but he fails a big one... he gets really jealous and he doesn't say anything, he bottles it up and then EXPLODES (not good).

But on the second list he meets only a couple. It's not that he has a bad job per se but he complains about it all the time and says he really needs to find a new one but then does nothing. For gods sake he has a college degree and is fairly smart he can do WAY better but he chooses not to. Just like he chose not to go to the better college because he wanted to take care of his family (honorable but questionable) or chooses to still live with the fam even though he could easily move out. To me it's like he's scared to move on. And that scares me. He's never been on his own, he's never had a roommate, he's never had to live pay check to paycheck to make rent or buy groceries. He's never been...an adult. I mean he wholly depends on his 'girl' to have her own place because he still lives at home (he wants to act like an adult but doesn't have the means to do it :P).

My other dilemma. Best Friend's Cousin meets WAY more of my silly criteria. But we don't have the same emotional connection... well we might but we haven't had enough dates to figure that out yet :P haha.

Anyways I am still not ready to "pick" a guy but I am ready to do better. I deserve to do better. I deserve a man that will respect me, wants to take care of me and himself, wants to be with me and makes ME happy...right?

I'm not ready to... decide...

Why do I have to chose?  Is three months the commitment timeline?

OK so I got into a HUGE argument with my internet guy.  You see we have talked about how I am not ready to be in a relationship and I want to be single for while and date sort of.  Somewhere I knew he didn't really get it...well he still wanted to be around.  Which in the back of my mind I KNEW would end up badly but I said okay anyway.  Tonight I logged onto social network site when I got off of work and saw a status response to me calling me baby and saying how much he missed me.  My reflex was delete...  Why I do not know.  Seriously after I did it, I was like why the hell did I just do that but I took it as a sign that I didn't want to be..."his".

Anyways he sees that I deleted it and went Ape Sh**!  I felt bad I really did but there was nothing I could say except that I just didn't want him to call me his baby and say he missed me.  It's not appropriate for non-boyfriend type, to me it was like he was pissing on his territory.  Well his tune changed.  He wanted to know why I wasn't ready.  How, if me and my ex were really fin like I said we were, why I couldn't decide if I wanted to be with him.

 

I tried to explain, its not because of my ex that I don't want to be in a relationship that I was hurt badly by a few people I thought I could trust.  All he saw was that I wont chose him and its because I am still "with" my Ex.  I sat on the phone for 45 minutes as he told me EVERYTHING I do wrong and that pretty much I am "lucky" to have him because he is understanding to my situation and no other guy would be that way.  

Okay, he is a really great guy...most of the time.  But this is WHY I don't want a relationship.  I don't want to argue, I don't want to be accused of "things", I don't want my every move analyzed/criticized and I do NOT want to have to explain myself to anyone.  He obviously wants a girlfriend, he told me he has STRONG feelings for me and he thinks I am stringing him along.  I'm not doing that.  I do like him and I think we click, really well.  Maybe thats what scares me.  Maybe I can see that we might make a great couple and it trips me out.  I don't know.  Whatever the case I don't know what to do now.  

A week or so ago we had a conversation about how its not OK to make a girl or guy "chose" because of a situation going on with a friend of mine.  Whether its between two guys/girls, them and their friends, or whatever.  It has to be up to them to decide...he/she shouldn't be forced into a choice.  And then he turns around and tries to make me chose.  He said he's not forcing me into a choice but essentially thats what he's doing...right?  He pretty much told me I have to chose to be with him and only him or not have him in my life at all.  I almost said, "well then I guess this is goodbye"  but before I could say it he said "Don't say anything.  My feelings for you haven't changed, I was hurt and still am.  I was just trying to leave a nice comment on your page.  Can I call you later?"  I was kinda dumb founded.  I think I only groaned and said "Uh sure, if ya want to."  And we hung up...

So what do I do?  My head says just let it go, if he can't understand where your coming from, he's not for you.  But then this stupid heart thing gets in the way and I think about how ridiculously compatible we are, the fun we have, and how nauseatingly romantic he is.   ARGH! 

Walk away or stay?  I'm just not ready to... decide...