You have got to be kidding me. . .

. . . fool me once shame on you, fool me twice. . . ok I am just stupid!

Sooooooooo its Monday.  I hate Mondays.  I woke up late, couldn't find my lunch and just felt like ca ca.  Can't get any worse right...?  Before I left I knocked on the hood of my car (checking for kittens because of yesterday).  Just to be sure I popped the hood and looked around with a flash light.  I don't see or hear anything.  So I head for work.  About 2.5 blocks away from my house I hear it. . . the undeniable sound of a terrified kitten, *crap crap crap*!  I called my husband in a panic and he said he'd meet me outside.  Sure enough we see a black and white fluff in the same spot as yesterday.  Really momma cat. . . really. . .you put them BACK!?  So we waited a few minutes while the car cooled down and I reached in and plucked him/her out just like yesterday.   I put it on the ground and momma and older sibling started consoling it.  Hubby searched all in there with a flash light and saw nothing else.  We made noise, shook the car, nothing responded.  Ok so maybe there is only one this time.  I texted my boss and said I would be late and why. . .she laughed, ALOT.

I tried to leave again.  Notice I said "I Tried".  I got about 10 feet from my driveway and heard the squealing yet again.  Son of a B#$%H, she hid them good this time.  I pull back in the driveway and we start searching.  We can barely see the other two nestled just under my headlight in the bumper area. . . completely out of reach.  SERIOUSLY!?  So we try and try but neither of us can quite get our arms far enough in to reach them.  Well I cannot very well drive to work on the interstate with kittens in my car. . . *sigh*.  So we finally decide we will have to remove part of the road guard to get to them.  So we did and 45 minutes later we pluck two pissed off kittens from my car's undercarriage. 

I put them on the ground while we re-assembled the guard plate thing.  Momma was making all kinds of weird noises and the kittens were crying.  Their eyes had opened recently so they were looking around and I think they were hungry.  So she fed them, still fussing at us, while we worked.  I called the no kill shelter by my house and told them how old they were.  The lady said they could take them and they would be fine.  So I scooped up 3 milk drunk babies (momma ran of complaining) and held them close until the shelter opened (another 30 mins).  They nuzzled in my shirt and passed out. 

The shelter happily took them and I headed to work. . .

UPDATE:  I am going to hell!  For the past 3 days momma has sat outside my side door and made the most awful noises. . . I think she's looking for her babies.  I feel horrible but I had to take action :(

Just call me Dr. Dolittle

No really, I CLEARLY communicate with animals on some level.  To the point where they feel the need to adopt me and/or bring me their young.  Flash back to almost 2 weeks ago.  I am in my yard and my dogs are going nuts.  I find a litter of kittens, momma and an older sibling wedged in an area between my yard and my neighbors.  3 little squeaking balls of fur (oh freaking fantastic).  Well I ignored them because 1.  they are really tiny and need their momma and 2.  she was hissing something awful and I like my fingers attached.  So for the last couple weeks, I check and make sure they are still alive and momma is taking care of them.  Which usually gets me hissed at but whatever.

Now jump ahead to today.  I am about to go to the grocery, I noticed momma cat lingering under my car.  Hmmm she hangs out around here but that's odd.  Then I swore I heard a noise. . . like a squeak.  Oh hell no, what the hell you little feline whore.  I popped the hood and sure enough, there are 3 little balls of fur, IN MY CAR!  My new vehicle has a road guard underneath and momma has placed all three little bundles of joy just under the engine, on the road guard.  OK, now I am freaking out.  I can't start the car, what do I do!?  Thank God I have the boniest arms of anyone I know.  My anorexic looking arms fit just far enough in to pluck each little one out.  Holy crap did they squeal and cry.  Momma was at my feet having a fit but I fussed her and contemplated what to do now.  Why did she give me her babies?!  Its Sunday, the shelter is closed, my vet wont take strays and like hell I am keeping 3 teeny tiny kittens that need to be fed every 2 hours by bottle in my house.  So I did the only thing I could do. . . I brought the tiny invaders back to the crevice in my yard and hoped momma would take care of them. 

She did.  I checked an hour later and she was back in the hole feeding them and hissing at me.  Let's just hope she keeps them.

Last night I thought, I need to lay off the drugs. . .

. . .then I remembered I don't do drugs

Around 4AM I woke up to use the bathroom.  Mind you I was quite a bit out of it.  So as I am doing my thing, I notice a blackish/brown thing on the floor.  At first I almost started screaming because I thought it was  Roach, then I realized it was another type of beetle thing.  Its almost like a roach but not as oober creepy and much darker in coloring, kind of like a water beetle.  Well this one was OBVIOUSLY dead anyways, it looked like something attacked it (possibly one of me fearless felines).  So I conceded to clean it up once I was done.  This all took place in mere seconds.  Then I thought "OMG, the floor is moving", like an unorganized waving motion.  So in my bleary eyed state I attempted to refocus my eyeballs.  Nope didn't work. . . the floor is still moving.  My thoughts "how much did I drink last night. . .did my husband roofie me. . . OMG why is the floor moving. . ." Then my brain woke up just enough to realize the floor wasn't actually moving there were these translucent baby beetle things moving around, like mini-clear versions of the big dead thing.  Apparently, the dead bug in its last attempt at life released the babies.  Like HUNDREDS of them.  Again all this happened in less than a minute so now I am mid-pee freaking out because there are numerous barely visible critters all over the floor and I cannot do anything about it.  So I am trying to go while I hold my feet in the air (easier said than done).  Then I am thinking how do I kill all these things. . .AH! 

Ok now I am done and crouching on top the toilet and I realized the babies look like they are moving very slow. . . possibly dying.  Whatever, so I go on a baby beetle killing spree, squishing the uninvited guests with pieces of toilet paper.  Once I am confident I got all of them I dispose of my death rag and throw it and the big one in the toilet and flush 4 times, not because it wouldn't go down but because I am crazy and think they may actually come back.  Now I am ready to climb back in bed.  Which in theory meant more sleep. . . but in reality meant I stayed awake at least an hour because I kept imagining mini-clear things had hitched a ride on my feet/legs and were now infesting my bed.  They weren't but my brain was determined to convince me that they were. 

When I got up the next morning I found that I did not kill all the babies.  There were about 4-5 dead on the floor.  They looked "dried up".  I think they were some water loving beetle and being on my no water bathroom floor they couldn't survive (Thank God).  So I swept and mopped and fumigated just in case.